Letters to Emily
by LisaDouglas
Summary: What would Emily and Howard's life be like if Bob had been killed by the bank robber? Based on the season 5 episode Desperate Sessions.
1. This too shall pass

Chapter One- This too shall pass

Bob Hartley thought very quickly, making his best attempt to carefully calculate Mel's every move. He'd been trapped in his office with Mel, the bank robber for several hours now and was getting to the point of no longer being able to stand it. Did this man even have a weapon like he'd threatened he had…Bob couldn't tell really but he knew he had to get out of this before something bad happened. And he had no doubt that it would.

"Look Mel. This has been fun, but we really have to go, our time is up."

Bob tried to pretend that he was talking to Mr. Carlin, or any of his patients, as this is what he usually said when they were in his office and had overstayed their welcome. Elliot Carlin had been there earlier, having forcefully interrupted Bob's being held up so that he could try and have his scheduled session anyway.

"I don't think so." Mel almost laughed, "there are cops out there after all, and if I'm going to get away, you're going with me."

In that instant, Mel drew a gun from his coat pocket. Bob was floored that he actually had a weapon and he was scared almost to the point of just passing out cold on the floor. Bob reached over and grabbed a black hardcover book, his journal from the bookshelf, placing it over his heart. To Mel, it looked like any other book, but for Bob it was immensely special. It detailed his life, his thoughts…and how much he loved his wife. He often referred to the book as his letters to Emily. She didn't know about the book, but incase something happened, he wanted to be sure it would get back in her hands.

"If we're going to go somewhere, let's just do it." Bob said, backing slowly toward the door, acting as if he were going to comply with Mel's wishes. Mel had said something earlier about the two of them going to a foreign country where he couldn't be extradited for his crimes.

"Don't touch that door!" Mel screeched.

In the midst of all of this angst, the psychologist in Bob noted that he was paranoid on top of everything else. Mel clicked the gun and signaled for Bob to back away from the door and go and sit down in his desk chair. Bob's heart leaped up back into his throat. Mel backed away into the door and was about to open it.

"Look out Mel!" Bob burst, momentarily confusing the bank robber who turned around to face a still shut door. He paused, dumbfounded for a moment, giving Bob time to sweep in and begin to tackle him for possession of the gun.

The two men struggled for a few minutes, punching one another, and making a mess out of the office. Bob, for example was once shoved into his own bookshelf, causing a wave of books and his A-Z bookends to cascade off the shelves and hit him on the head. It was the letter "Z" that caused Bob to drop to the ground. As he fell, the journal he'd been holding slid half way across the room and lodged its self under the couch where no one could see it.

Everyone (Emily, Jerry, Howard, Carol and Mr. Carlin) who were held up down the hall in Jerry's office could hear this. The police began to prepare to move in. Emily's heart began to pound and she and Howard, who'd brought her there in a panic when they'd heard that Bob was a hostage, rushed down the hall and back into the lobby by Carol's desk where the police were stationed.

"Go back into the dental office Mrs. Hartley." Sargaent Webber, the officer in charge of case, warned.

"No! Something's going on, I don't care if it's dangerous for me." She said, Howard grabbed her arm gently and began to pull her back down the hall. Sargent Webber ignored her anyway and focused on his work.

Suddenly the noise of the fighting was punctuated by a loud pop, which Howard recognized to be a single gunshot. And then silence.

…..

"Shu, shu, calm down Emily, you're going to make yourself sick." Howard whispered, running his fingers through her hair as he held her close to him.

Emily guessed she knew that she couldn't allow herself to become sick, even though she wanted to. She did her best to harness her uncontrollable sobs and allowed herself to collapse into Howard's arms, face first.

"Oh no, no, no no no no no! It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I know Emily, I know." Howard, wanted to cry and scream too.

"Howard, I wanna see him."

This idea concerned Howard greatly. He thought it was a terrible idea for her to see him. Sure Bob was there, laying in his office, but that was physically…spiritually he was gone.

"No you don't sweetie." Howard replied, wondering how he could possibly be of any comfort to her in that moment.

"Yes I do." She cried. "He's my husband and I love him and I'm carrying his baby, of course I wanna see him!"

"You're carrying his what?!" Howard asked.

"Howard. I'm pregnant."

"How did you…you're going to have a baby!?" He questioned. Emily nodded through her tears. "Oh Emily, a precious little…oh Emily…I'm so sorry." He soothed, again taking his hysterical friend in his arms. She broke down in tears all over again when he said this. "Honey, it's okay, it's okay." He said, wiping the tears off her cheeks as her cries dragged into deep sobs.

Howard quickly noted that his thumbs couldn't keep pace with the tears streaming down her face and that his hands were covered in her mascara. Emily was crying so hard she was choking and gagging.

"Emily, take a deep breath, take a deep breath. You've got to be strong for the baby. I know how terrible you feel." He decided to try and convince her to calm down for the sake of the unborn, and as far as he could tell, very undeveloped baby's health. "But the little guy is a manifestation."

Emily, even in her grief was caught off guard for a moment…Howard knew the word manifestation? She looked up at him and began to listen.

"Of the love you guys shared. And even though this has happened…he still deserves every chance you can give him to become a healthy, happy baby…and you still get to be his Mommy." Emily choked again as he said this. This made her partially very happy and partially even more upset than she already was. It made that lump sitting in her throat bottom out and land in her stomach. She was going to get to go on without Bob and start their family…how bittersweet. "And Bob would be proud…"

"Oh Howard! I never got to tell him!"

"You never got to tell him!"

"He didn't know he was going to be a Daddy! I never got to tell him, please let me see him! Let me tell him to his face, please!" She sobbed. "I'm a grown up, I can hold it together, please! Let me kiss him, good…good…" She couldn't finish saying it and began crying again.

Howard had no idea what to do. On one hand he thought it was a great idea, on the other, he thought it was terrible. He was afraid Emily would crack, and loose the baby to miscarriage, causing her even more heartache, the kind she might never get over. Or that maybe, she'd loose it and the baby would be born and have neither a father or a mother…Howard thought very carefully. He knew he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and he didn't want to make the wrong decision.

"Emily. It'll be too hard on you sweetie. You want to remember him as he was. And I promise you'll thank me later. Come on. I'm taking you and we're going to see Sargent Webber, okay?" Emily understood and nodded as she leaned her head against Howard's chest.

She'd been thinking about it in the past few moments, and although devastated she knew that she had to pull it together. She wanted to see Bob…but she knew exactly what he met. Emily knew the baby needed her, doubly now as it's Mom and it's Dad.

…

"You okay Emily?" Howard asked.

Several hours had passed and Howard found himself in a really weird place: in bed with Emily, trying to keep her calm. She'd mellowed considerably and cried softly now, not hysterically.

"As okay as I guess I can be right now. Are you okay?"

"I-I don't know." Howard admitted.

Bob was his best friend. He loved him too, for what it was worth. Sure his love for Bob was far different than the one Emily had shared with him, but Howard was nothing short of devastated, he just couldn't show it right then.

"You know what I did yesterday?"

"No, what?"

"Such a contrast from today…I went to the doctor and I had an ultrasound and I got to hear my baby's heart beat for the first time…funny, huh?"

"That's painfully ironic, Emily."

"Isn't it?" She was sad. "I just wish I'd…I don't know…told Bob last night, brought him on the appointment with me and surprised him…maybe then he wouldn't have gone to work today…maybe then…"

"Emily it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself like that." Howard reminded. "It's not how it works."

"Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"What am I supposed to tell my baby about Daddy?"

"That he loved him."


	2. Sleepless, but not in Seattle

Chapter 2- Sleepless, but not in Seattle

Emily was devastated. More than a week had passed, and she was contending with sleepless nights, nightmares, terrible morning sickness and the presence of her parents who were staying in the den and trying to pressure her to move back to Seattle with them. They didn't know about her precious little surprise just yet and hadn't, to her knowledge, noticed her periodic illness or her food cravings. She figured they just though it was probably that she was emotional and understandably so.

Most awful for Emily, was the gaping void left in her life, and of course next to her in bed. She didn't know how she could stand to sleep there but she was. She hugged Bob's pillow tightly. It still smelled of him and it was the only thing that could get her to sleep, which was ironic, because he haunted her in her dreams. If she missed him so much already how was she supposed to go on? At the same time, she could feel the baby growing and it gave her hope that one day soon she'd have something of hers and Bob's to take joy in again and that she could move on as the baby did.

Emily sat up in bed and gently brushed the area on the bed next to her where her husband would've been. She smiled bitter sweetly. He was okay and she would see him again. It's not like she didn't know that.

"Emily." Emily looked back toward her door to hear her mother sticking her head in her room.

"Oh hi Mom."

"Emily are you okay?"

"Better this morning I think." She was able to smile. She was glad her parents had forgotten that her eighth wedding anniversary was the next day and would be going home in only a few hours. She wanted to spend the occasion alone.

"We've been very worried about our Emily." Her father added as they both came in the room. They sat on the edge of their daughter's bed.

"I'll be okay." She reassured. She was beginning to realize that that was true.

"Emily we'd really like you to come home with us." Her father added.

"No I couldn't. I wanna stay in the home I made with my husband." She replied, she'd already decided this was important to her.

"But Emily your young you should start over…" Her mother suggested. This suggestion was painful for Emily to think about. She was thinking about coping, being happy eventually…not replacing Bob.

"No." She said. "You don't understand…"

"What don't we understand? You don't have anything holding you here." Junior, her father, began. He'd never understood that Emily loved Chicago and had since before she ever met Bob that was another reason why she wouldn't go back. "You and Bob had no children so…"

"Uh….that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Emily, I know you and Bob were on that long list to adopt…" Her mother Aggie added. Emily had totally forgotten about that.

"No." She interrupted. "I'm pregnant."

"What?!"

"Emily that's wonderful."

"Are you alright, have you seen a doctor, have…"

"I'm fine. I found out the day before…" she paused, not knowing how she wanted to refer to this. "The day before this happened to Bob…I'm just trying to be really calm for the sake of my baby."

"Well this is all the further reason to come back to Seattle with us…"

"No I…I want the baby to live in a home his father and mother made for him….is that so hard to understand?" Emily inquired.

…..

Emily sat on the couch spending her anniversary in just the way she had wanted: by herself, eating Chinese food and watching a sappy movie. She was sorrowful she was not with Bob, but she didn't want to cry too much. Crying only made her more cognizant of what was actually going on and forced her to worry about the baby's safety, especially when it was so tiny, she was only about six weeks pregnant to begin with.

"Come in!" Emily yelled, her mouth full when she heard a nock on the door.

"Emily…are you okay?" Howard asked, he'd just gotten back from California. He knew it was their anniversary and was worried about Emily.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just watching this movie, having some egg rolls…want some?"

"Oh, no thanks…I actually had lunch in Chinatown."

"Huh, really?" She laughed. Emily had always wanted to go to San Francisco.

"What are you watching?"

"I don't know…I think it's one of those cheesy 50's horror films…The Ant, The Fly…something like that…"

"Can I watch?"

"Of course."

"How are you holding up?"

"Oh, as good as I can be…this was eight years." She swallowed; she'd promised she'd cry on her ninth anniversary when she had a healthy baby in her arms. "I wanna cry Howard…but not until I'm not pregnant anymore." He thought this was wise.

"Emily, I'm really glad you didn't go back to Seattle." He'd heard her parents pressuring her, and practically trying to force her once they found out she was pregnant.

"Me too."

"I understand why you would want your baby to know this place. The home made for her by both of her parents…a place you guys loved."

"Thank you Howard." She smiled. "We were waiting for this you know and I don't know how I'm going to do it, how I'll get ready, how…"

"Well you've got me and Jerry and Carol…and Bob's parents."

"Howard!"

"What?!"

"I have to tell them!"

"You haven't told Bob's parents!"

"No!"

"Or Ellen?"

"No. Only you, me and my parents know."

"Bob knows now, Emily." He said, causing her to pause. He could tell he'd upset her with this comment.

"Howard. Why didn't I tell him?"

"Gee I don't know Emily, I…"

"I was so happy we came out of that bank thing unscathed, I…I should've told him right then….I wanted to tell him in a romantic spot is what it must've been…."

"How about telling Bob's parents right here." Howard suggested.

He knew Martha, Bob's Mom, (the woman who, if Howard ever married Ellen, would be both his and Emily's mother-in-law) was especially devastated.

"You're right. Dinner tomorrow sounds like a great idea." She agreed, getting up to call Martha on the phone.

…

Emily wished Howard could stay with her, he'd been so supportive and ever-present lately, but she knew she had to be alone with her in-laws to tell them this news.

"Oh Emily." Martha Hartley burst; taking her daughter-in-law in her arms the moment she came in the house.

"Mom!" She hugged her tightly.

"Are you alright Emily?" Her father-in-law asked.

"Yeah, I...I think I will be…eventually. How are you doing?"

"We don't know."

"But we're happy to see you Emily."

"I'm happy to see you too. Sit down, can I get you anything before dinner?" She asked.

"Oh, no, no honey. Why are you even cooking for us?"

"Well, I needed to be around you, like I said and I have some news for you."

"Are you moving back to Seattle, Emily?" Her mother-in-law had expected this for a while. Why wouldn't she return home after something like this happened? Emily was young; pretty…she deserved to start over.

"No. I'm staying right here and hopefully near you."

"Oh Emily. You shouldn't feel like you have to stay with us, we'll always love you either way." Bob's father added.

"Thank you."

"Well, if you're not moving, what's this news?" Her father-in-law was curious.

"Well, first off. I'm going to need your help, your love and support."

"Whatever it is Emily. You've got it."

"Alright, here it is. I'm gonna have a baby!" She squealed as tears began to pour down her cheeks. She let herself cry on this one only because she couldn't stop it, so she decided to just call them happy tears.

"Emily!" Martha, who'd been waiting for grandchildren for a long time, got up and hugged Emily tightly as the two women began to cry.

"Emily that's incredible news."

"I know it is, isn't it?" She asked, wiping a tear off her cheek.

"Was Bob so happy?" Martha imagined that he would be, although Emily, to be honest, was kind of questioning weather or not he would've been all that thrilled with the news. Looking back only a few weeks this may have been why she didn't tell him right away. She felt guilty about that for a moment and then let herself off the hook. This was not all her fault…at all.

"Oh Mom! That's what's just killing me…I never ever got to tell him."

"Oh Emily!" Emily nodded as she continued to sob.

"That's alright dear, it's going to be okay."

"He knows now, right." Bob's father reassured.

"That's true…he does know now. I just…children were always someday for us, we tried so hard for a baby for a while…we never told you that and nothing, we could never get pregnant, it just wouldn't happen and now I…I'm so glad Bob left me with this baby. I'm so devastated and so happy all at the same time I just don't know what to do with myself." She laughed through her tears.

"Emily darling it's going to be alright. We'll help you with this baby." Martha was elated as well.

"And we're devastated and very happy all at the same time too." Emily smiled at this.

"I'm so glad you want to be a big part of his life."

"Of course we do Emily."

"Of course, he could be a she…Bob wanted a daughter." She reflected.

"He did?"

"Yeah." Emily was upset, and torn between wanting a boy who would take after his Dad and wanting a girl who would fulfill Bob's wish. "Very much….if we ever had one." Again, she wasn't sure he'd be thrilled by this news, "We wanted to call our baby daughter Meghan."

"Meghan, its beautiful Emily."

"And for a boy?"

"Robbie."


	3. Hold on, it gets better than you know

Chapter 3- Hold on, it gets better than you know

"Oh Howard, thanks for holding me. I really need it right now." Emily began.

With so much worry, and having an achy back it was comforting to have Howard there holding her when she needed to lye down. He was happy to be of help and as always enjoyed his time with Emily, but he was also acutely aware that he was in his best friend's bed, holding his pregnant wife. He worried a jealous Bob would come back to harm him for being in Emily's bed with her, even though he realized that it was a completely irrational notion. Emily, on the other hand, lye back in Howard's arms with her eyes closed, pretending, though not trying to truly fool herself into thinking, that things were different and Bob was there with her.

Almost five months had passed and Emily couldn't believe how time was flying. Birth was still a few months away but it was encroaching upon her. She was worried about so many things beyond how to survive emotionally. First and foremost was how she was going to take care of a newborn: she didn't know how and had figured before all this happened that she and Bob could do it together without question...but her alone? Her mother-in-law had quickly solved her second problem of childcare while she was working, by offering to care for the baby when she was at school, a solution Emily was thrilled she could depend on.

And then there was her third problem, which would solve its self. But she needed to talk about it first, and unfortunately she only felt comfortable discussing it with Bob. It concerned the birth its self: she was scared to death. She didn't know much about having a baby, but she knew husbands usually went in these days…and she didn't want to do it alone. Her doctor had told her to choose a friend to come in with her, maybe a girlfriend like Carol or her Mom…but none of those choices felt right to her.

"Ooh." Emily winced suddenly. "What was that?"

"Emily! Do you know what that was?!" Howard burst excitedly.

"No. It felt really funny."

"He kicked."

"He kicked? That's what it feels like?"

"Yeah, and it was a really strong one too, you should feel proud."

"Oh Howard!" She cried.

"Emily, it's going to be okay." He soothed, kissing her cheek. Emily could get upset at the drop of a hat lately. He thought the emotional rollercoaster must be miserable for her.

"I know, I…it's just that. The baby seems to be getting more and more real every day...growing into a big responsibility, you know I…I'm scared I'm not going to do this right."

"Bob would be really proud, especially to see you now. You're brave Emily. And of course you'll do this right. You'll be a great Mom." Howard complimented, placing his palm on Emily's stomach again.

"Thank you Howard. And thank you for holding the baby and me. Bob always said if we got pregnant, he'd spend evenings cradling our unborn baby just like this. And I wish I could feel him do it." She wanted to share the kick with Bob, not Howard but was happy to have someone to share it with.

"I know." He said.

"And I don't know what I'm going to do. How I'm going to work and raise a baby. How anything's going to work. He needs a father Howard and I'm not exactly looking to find another husband."

"Well…I'm a Daddy and Emily, I'd like to lend my services."

"Awe Howard!"

"I'd like to be there for the little guy or girl, every single day. Be counted on for, for everything you ask a Dad to do. Be the Daddy for the milestones…for walking, for riding a bike, little league…or ballet if it's a girl…and finally, the talk." Howard cleared his throat. "You know, if he's a boy." She giggled at this last part. "I want to do it because I love Bob and I love this baby and I love you Emily."

"I love you too Howard. And I accept. I'd love for you to be my baby's Daddy and Bob would love it too." A-actually, there's a degree of Bob that really wouldn't.

"I promise I'll do a great job Emily. And I'll do everything I can to help you raise him or her, well and protect you both…what are you going to name him?" It struck him suddenly that they'd never discussed it.

"Well, if it's a girl, Meghan and if it's a boy, it's Robbie: Robert Hartley Jr."

"I like it. It's after his Dad, but you know, his own identity." He said. "And Meghan, it's, it's cute."

"Bob and I decided on both a long, long time ago. Oh I'm getting so big." She assessed.

She was amazed by this lately. The baby's growing presence was strangely comforting and continually reminded her that she wasn't going to be alone in the world.

"Maybe it's twins!" Howard offered, excitedly. He thought twins would be fun.

"Howard! I can't have twins…not now!"

That would be difficult. Even though she would, in the best of all possible worlds, take great joy out of having more than one child with Bob she knew she could only handle one on her own…in fact she wasn't even so sure of that…Emily sort of resented Howard even putting it out there.

"Why not? I think it would be really nice: a boy and a girl."

"Bob wanted a girl." She reflected.

"I didn't know…what do you want?"

"I want a little boy. I mean, I did anyway but now that I've lost Bob I…I would like to have a son who could carry his name, maybe have his smile or something…obviously I'd love my little girl too, especially since Bob wanted one so much." She sniffled. "You know what he told me, he wanted to put ribbons in her hair and bounce her on his knee and…" Emily was crying now. "And that she'd have my smile."

"Oh Emily come here it's okay, shu, it's okay." He said, hugging her tightly. "I hope you don't mind my saying this but uh…if you have a girl I agree with Bob, I hope she'll be as pretty as you and that she'll have your smile."

"Oh Howard thank you." She whispered.

"And if it's a boy…"

"If he's a boy, I hope he's got his Daddy's eyes."

"That would be a nice touch Emily, a very nice touch."

"Wow, ooh that feels weird." Emily giggled through her tears at feeling the baby kick again.

"Yeah I know. It's neat, one of the neatest things about this, actually." He informed.

"He's so alive already, at least I'll have some company tomorrow." She reflected. "Maybe then I'll be able to stand it." Emily said, climbing out of bed.

"I'm sorry I can't be there." Howard followed her into the kitchen. "But like I said, I'll be back the next day and I promise we'll go baby shopping."

"And lunch?" She requested, biting into an apple.

"And dinner too." He replied, causing her to laugh.

…..

Emily's heart raced she did not want to be back in that elevator. And worse: to go into the office where it had happened…but she had no choice other than to do it. She really felt like being six months pregnant should exempt her from such a grim activity but unfortunately it didn't. This had been her first time back in Bob's office since before he was killed. She didn't know how Jerry and Carol stayed there, on the seventh floor everyday, she wouldn't be able to stand it if she were them.

"Hey, it's going to be okay love." She told herself she was reassuring her baby, but in actuality she was desperately trying to comfort herself.

She didn't know how she was going to handle being in the office. It would be an overwhelming conflict for her. The place was full of her husband, as his personal office, it typified him. She thought being there would help her connect with him… but it's where he'd lost his life…and essentially it was going to be a sorrowful mess for her to muddle through. But she wanted to be the one to clear out his things, not someone else who didn't know him like she did, who wouldn't know what to keep and what to through away. She knew there were things in there met for her eyes-only and she desperately wanted time to connect with vestiges of him. Plus, she had the feeling there was something she urgently needed to find and she had no idea what it was.

Emily was sort of glad that no one greeted her when she arrived on the seventh floor. Carol was presently away from her desk and Emily snuck into Bob's office, locking the door behind her. She took a deep breath. She'd done the part she thought would be hardest without even thinking about it: just making herself go in.

Emily opened her eyes and looked around the room, which had been vacant for months now. It had been cleaned up and straightened out…like nothing had ever happened to Bob there. She was glad she didn't have to see evidence of the struggle but at the same time, wish that it hadn't been disturbed.

She went first to the desk, running her hands over the oak wood top as she sat in his chair. For the most part, the furniture was staying in the office and would go to whoever leased the office next. But Emily had been told that no one would likely ever rent it because of what had happened there and that it was such a small space, without a window or anything. Inside the desk, she quickly found her husband's favorite pen. His spare house-key. Pictures of her and him together, she'd been looking for some of these and they were just precious to her now. Finally she stumbled upon a little envelope labeled Emily, open mid-December, 1977. Emily picked it up and held it close to hear heart with a sniffle.

"Okay Bob…I, I'll wait till December to open it. I-I miss you." She wiped a tear from her cheek, chastising herself for thinking something stupid like that he could hear her better here. He wasn't there. "I have a present to give you in mid-December too…I hope you like it. It's a son, I think…or maybe a little girl, you know the one you wanted. Either way…I hope you can see our Robbie or Meghan from where you are. And that you're so happy, cause I'm over the moon…I love you."

Emily continued crying as she sorted the office. Some of it, essentials like very personal items were going home with her, a few other things, like his books would be moved to their storage locker at the apartment and the furniture would stay, likely to just sit and fall into disrepair.

Because Emily neglected the furniture, she didn't notice that she'd left one very important book behind. It was under the big couch covered in dust and hiding under the side by just a few inches. She'd failed to see Bob's journal, which, although she didn't know it, was what she'd been so desperately searching for in the office. If she'd found it she would've found a long and beautiful love letter, a record that detailed what he thought of life and moreover, how deeply he loved her.

….

Emily was startled when the elevator stopped abruptly at the third floor and the doors opened.

"Mrs. Hartley!"

"Mr. Carlin." She didn't think she'd ever smile fondly at Mr. Carlin but she was happy to see him. He boarded the elevator with her and pressed the down button.

"It's good to see you." He paused. "I'm so sorry about Dr. Hartley...and its true…you're pregnant." He was surprised he hadn't believed it when he heard this news.

"Yeah, six months."

"Mrs. Hartley…Emily. Your husband, he met a lot to me. I know he wouldn't say the same, but he was my best friend." Carlin had been bitterly lonely since Bob's murder and hadn't admitted it to anyone but Carol who, oddly, he'd stayed friends with. He couldn't believe he'd said this to Emily.

"I know he was. He was mine too." She said. Carlin noted that she played with the wedding ring on her finger as he said this. He wasn't surprised she still wore it.

It then struck Emily how many best friends Bob had had. There was her, Jerry, Howard, Cliff Murdoch and Mr. Carlin…Bob would never say that Mr. Carlin was a best friend, but he knew Elliot depended on him and contrary to what Elliot might have really thought: he liked him. Bob had met a lot to a lot of people.

"Can I uh…can I take you out for coffee or something?" Carlin asked as they arrived on the first floor of the building, which was mostly coffee shops and lunch stands. She wondered what he wanted, but was curious about what it was he had to say, she knew there was something on his mind.

"Okay, I think that sounds nice."

"Really?"

"Yeah." She reassured.

"So uh…how much is this kid going to cost you…financially that is." He asked as they sat down at the coffee stand that Bob and Jerry used to frequent together when they became sick of Carol's terrible coffee.

"Oh I don't know…I hadn't really thought about it." She eyed Mr. Carlin suspiciously. He wanted to make some kind of rude comment about how that sounded like her but decided he better refrain. He was, after all, trying to be sincere.

"Well. I know babies are expensive….and I know I'm kind of a greedy guy, but your husband taught me a lot about generosity…and he did a lot for me…and…" this was hard for Elliot to say, "I wanna help you and your baby….financially."

"Oh wow. Mr. Carlin, this is so unlike you…I don't know what to say." She laughed. She had been starting to think about finances lately and knew she'd need some help. "What do you want to help with?"

"Well, I mean if the kid breaks an arm, or wants to go to summer camp. If he gets sick….or if he decides to become a doctor…like his Dad…and you need money to pay for it: school, health, fun…anything big. Find me."

"But why?" Emily was blown away.

"Because," Elliot began, part of him wretched at giving money away like this, but he knew it was the right thing to do, "your husband provided so much for me, in a totally different way…and yet he's not here to provide for his own baby and I know he would've been a really great Dad. I can't do what he could've done, and this is the best I can do to even attempt to repay him."

"Oh Mr. Carlin…you are sweet. I knew there was good in there." She said as he got up to leave.

"Emily, let's not go that far…"

"Hear that little baby: you have a very generous benefactor." She smiled, looking down at her stomach as he walked away.

…..

"I really appreciate your helping me do this Howard." Emily said.

They were sitting together on the floor of the den, now almost finished transforming into a nursery, with all the pieces of the crib around them. They'd gone out together earlier in the day to shop for baby things. It was heartbreaking for her, and embarrassing for him that everyone thought they were a couple expecting their first baby. Emily thought to herself that if life were perfect and you got everything you ever wanted, she'd be shopping with Bob for their third and last baby, not their very first.

Emily was a bit apprehensive as she watched poor Howard haphazardly sort the crib pieces. She hoped he'd build it correctly, that's all she could say. Looking back, wished that she would've done this part while she was a little less pregnant so she could be of more help, but it hadn't seemed appropriate before…she'd also wished she would've let her father-in-law do this. He had offered. At the same time, Howard had kept his promise and it was nice. He was really taking every step with her and the baby and she was so happy to not be alone.

"Oh it's no problem Emily, it's fun…where does this go?" He inquired, holding up one large piece.

"I think that's the bottom of the crib Howard." Emily laughed, rubbing her stomach softly.

"Oh, yeah." He agreed.

"Oh it's all really coming together, isn't it?" She asked, picking up the mobile they'd chosen and admiring it. It was just a bunch of little lambs and she was head over heals for it.

"It sure is…I mean look at you." She laughed. "He's coming together too."

"Yeah, he is." She agreed, looking down at her unborn child. "Apparently he's all done. Just getting stronger lungs and fattening up before he's born."

"Yeah fat, that's something babies really need. We got great stuff Emily. I really like it, and I can't wait to use it."

"You're really…sticking around aren't you? You know it was embarrassing earlier, people thinking that we were together…not that it would be embarrassing to be your girl Howard." She corrected.

"I know that's not what you met."

"You're excited about the baby…you're sticking around, aren't you?"

"For sure." He smiled.

"You know…I've been thinking. The doctor said I can pick someone to go in with me when I have the baby. She suggested maybe Carol or my Mom, or Bob's Mom…And while my first choice is Bob, I think over anyone else other than him….Howard…I want you." She had been unsure of how to ask him this but it just came out.

"You-you want me to be there when…when it comes out!"

"Yeah, but Howard. If you don't feel comfortable, I under…"

"Oh no, no, no, no! I mean, I'd love to. Its just do you know what you're asking me to be apart of?" He asked.

"No." She was nervous to find out exactly what his answer would be.

"A miracle." He smiled.


	4. He will carry on your name

Chapter 4- He will carry on your name

"Emily, he's beautiful." Howard complimented, kissing his friend's cheek.

Emily realized she hadn't truly known what it met to be exhausted before today. She'd just given birth with Howard by her side. She'd chosen him to go in with her over Carol, her mother and Bob's mother. Having Howard there was for some reason most comforting to her, and plus, if he was going to be the unofficial Daddy…then why not?

"Hi little baby guy." Howard was wowed. He had promised Emily he wouldn't faint and so far he hadn't. He rubbed the baby's head softly, causing him to yawn.

"Hi my miracle." Emily whispered, brushing the baby's head with a single kiss. He was sweet and tiny and had only been in his mother's arms for a few minutes.

She hadn't been able to wait to get a good look at him and to really get to know him. Even after fifteen hours of labor, having him in her arms and beginning to discover things about him was amazing.

"Howard." Emily paused.

The three of them had just gotten settled in a room and were waiting for everyone to come in and visit, which would be at any moment.

"Yeah." Howard said, turning back toward her from what he'd gotten up to do. He sat on the edge of her bed and joined her again in looking down into the newborn's face.

"Howard. He has his Daddy's eyes, look at them."

"Wow, he does!"

"Hi, are you ready for us yet?" Carol called.

"Yes, we're ready for all of you." Emily replied.

"Oh there he is!...It is a he…isn't it Emily?" Jerry asked, not sure if Howard could be trusted to report even the simplest of facts to them correctly.

"Yes, he's a little boy." Emily said.

"Oh Emily, he's beautiful." Her mother cried.

"Who gets to hold him first?" Carol asked.

"Martha Hartley of course."

"Oh." Martha was touched, and was crying. Emily's mother, Aggie, rubbed her back consolingly.

"Oh hi, hi." She said, sniffling as she took her grandson in her arms for the first time.

"You're so beautiful." Emily's Mom added.

"Everyone I want you to meet Robert Hartley Jr." Emily announced his name.

"Ahaww." The room was deeply touched to hear this.

"Emily, he's just perfect." Her father-in-law added.

"He has his Dad's eyes." Jerry added, he'd noticed right away.

"I'd noticed." Emily giggled. "And remember, he's just Robbie." She was worried people would try to call him Bob too, or Robert or Rob and she'd known all along that he was Robbie above all else.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Came the voice of a woman who was panting heavily. She'd been running down the hallway, her heals clicking heavily the entire journey.

"Ellen!" Emily cried, excited to see her sister-in-law, who'd been absent from their lives for most of the past year but was still continuing a long distance relationship with Howard.

"Ellen!" Martha was elated.

"Ellen!" Howard was shocked to see her, she'd confided in him that she might not be able to make it to the baby's birth and he'd been disappointed in her since then.

"Ellen, this is Robbie."

"He's a boy!" She smiled.

"He's a boy." Emily confirmed.

"Here Ellen, you hold him next." Howard suggested. He'd always been interested to see what she'd look like with a baby.

Ellen smiled. She wanted to hold the baby, but the thing was…she didn't really know how.

"Hey, hi…wow…anybody notice he looks so much like his Dad…except for the smile….that's all you Emily."

"Yeah I-I noticed." She was excited about this. She hadn't given much thought to the baby looking like her and he did.

…

"How you feeling?" She asked. She thought maybe he'd be a little queasy from watching the baby be born. She thought she would be.

Howard and Ellen had gone out together to a little bar/restaurant just down the street from the hospital to have dinner together. Ellen would only be in town for one night.

"I'm happy." Howard considered. "I'm kind of a father again…and it's exciting."

"Yeah." She smiled, nervously.

Ellen was conflicted. On the one hand, she knew he was doing something great for a baby that was her flesh and blood, but…why would fate have it that he was sharing this child with Emily and not with her, not that she wanted a child at all but…if she did she knew she wanted to have it with Howard and the whole thing made her feel…deeply saddened inside, in a part of her that she didn't even know was there. Suddenly she wanted to start a life with him more than she could bear to think about. She wished that she would've accepted one of his previous proposals, or his idea that they travel together. Did she just want to be with him now that she couldn't?

"Ellen, what's wrong?" He asked.

"I miss you." She answered simply.

"Oh I miss you too." He couldn't emphasize how much this was true.

"I wish we could be together. A-and I'm sorry I didn't realize that before now." She realized she'd spent a little more than two years toying with his emotions now, telling a man who loved her desperately that she wasn't ready for marriage and it was wrong. She didn't know herself. Ellen sniffled.

"Ellen, are you crying." It was a statement, more than a question.

"No." She tried to shrug it off.

"Yes, you're crying."

"No, I just got something in my eye…"

"Ellen Marie Inez Hartley, you are crying, here." He began, reaching across the table and wiping her tears off her cheeks with her thumbs.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She felt too selfish to reply. "Come on," he urged, "you can tell me anything."

"I'm upset about the Inez part." She tried. He shot her an oh get real look.

"Come on, that won't work, even on me!" Howard burst.

"It's just…it's kind of ironic…I was ready for you Howard and here you are, raising a baby with another woman."

"Who Emily?" He laughed. "Ellen, Emily and I…we're just good friends!"

"I don't know Howard. It doesn't look that way to other people…that may be what you feel, but like you just said, you just became a father again…kind of, and she's the mother."

"I'm the Uncle and you're the Aunt!" He reminded. "Doesn't that mean we should be together. In fact, you should be here with the rest of us!"

"Oh Howard. You don't realize it yet, do you?"

"I don't realize what?"

"That your in love with Emily."

"What!" He laughed. "Whatever gave you that impression? Sure I love her Ellen…like you love a sister. I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you."

"I don't know Howard…give it some time, I could be wrong. But lets see if you figure out what I've figured out." Ellen said, getting up off her barstool and putting her purse on her shoulder.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"It's time for me to go Howard." She began. She leaned over and kissed him once softly on the lips. He encircled her waist with his arms and kept her there, deepening the kiss. He'd keep her forever if he could manage to do it.

"Ah, look up, mistletoe, I get one more." He reminded as she laughed.

"I love you Howard Borden." Ellen said, pulling away from him slightly and placing her palm on his chest.

"I love you too." He said, pressing her hand close to his heart.

He kissed her hand as she started to walk away. She waved goodbye from the door. Ellen retained her composure until she turned around. But then, that lump in her throat came back in the form of a choking sob when she began to walk down the street. She would get back to her hotel room that night and begin her own series lamentations, about loosing the love of her life.

Meanwhile Howard stayed in the bar. He thought Ellen was being silly. He loved her more than anyone in the world except for one person: Howie and it was a totally different kind of love. In love with Emily? He laughed to himself. She couldn't be serious. He loved her, in fact, he should've thought to go back to her hotel room with her…well if it were any other night, after all, he'd just had a baby…sort of. Going back to his girlfriend's hotel room just didn't seem right somehow.

Howard's thoughts quickly turned to Bob. Now that Ellen was gone, he was free to toast his best friend. It was, after all, a very big night he wasn't there for. Howard ordered Bob's favorite drink, and squeezed a little bit of lime in it, even though he hated it that way. He toasted thin air.

"Congratulations Bob, he's a beautiful boy." Howard toasted the thin air and began drinking.

"Hey, Mac…you had one too many?" The bartender inquired upon noticing that Howard was talking to himself.

"No, I'm just toasting my dead friend on the birth of his son." Howard explained.

…

"Hi." Emily smiled, whispering to the baby now that she was finally alone with him.

Emily didn't mind that Howard took Ellen out. They were a couple and Ellen was never there. Besides she was exhausted and needed her rest, or rather, her bonding time with the baby. Although she wouldn't tell you that being alone in the hospital at Christmastime with her newborn baby wasn't sad for her.

"You're just what I imagined you'd be sweetheart…your Daddy would love you. And I love you: you're just perfect." She reminded, kissing the tiny baby's fingers. His eyes were closed, appearing, as they do with most brand new babies, as though they were sealed shut. "Robbie I promise I'm going to do the best I absolutely can, okay?" The baby cuddled up to her in his sleep. "And I'm going to do the best to be the best Mommy you could ever have." She promised him.

She surveyed his face carefully, noting so far that he'd inherited her smile, (which she was touched by) and she thought maybe her tone of darker brown hair…but only time would tell on that one because he had next to no hair to speak of. Emily couldn't wait to find out everything else about him and to take him home and love him. Then of course there was the most comforting fact: he'd gotten his Dad's pale blue eyes, the ones she'd loved so much in her husband.

You know what they say, eyes are windows to the soul, and while she didn't expect him to be just like Bob or anything, she knew he'd gotten great eyes that would give him a good jump on being a wonderful man. She thought that, maybe he inherited something of his father's on the inside that she couldn't detect yet. Emily would soon learn that the baby's disposition was a lot like her husband's.

"Lets see what Daddy left for Mommy, huh?" She suggested.

The envelope she'd been waiting months now to open was on the nightstand. She was excited, even though she kind of already knew what it was. It was obvious, but she didn't know the details of the gift yet. She picked it up again, wanting to be eager but instead, taking her time. She re-read the front. It still said, "for Emily." She savored this for a moment. This envelope, and its contents would likely be his last present to her ever. After a moment, she opened it and found a gorgeous heart shaped locket inside. The front was inscribed: _My Emily_.

"Oh Bob." She whispered.

She turned it over, feeling already, just by holding it, that there was an inscription on the back as well. It read: _All my love, forever, Bob. _Emily smiled thoughtfully.

"Robbie, are you all our love forever too angel?" She asked him, even though he was still fast asleep. "Guess what, I'm going to put my boys in here in the locket Daddy gave me. Yes Mommy is. Your Daddy on one side, and you on the other…Oh Bob, he's the best present you ever gave me. And as my present to you, his little life means all my love forever." She said, more to herself than anyone else and kissed her sleeping newborn son's forehead.


	5. Sleepless in Chicago

Chapter 5- Sleepless in Chicago

"Oh Howard… thank you so much for getting him to sleep." Emily yawned, placing her head on Howard's shoulder as she snuck up behind him.

It was late and the apartment was dark. Howard rocked Robbie as he drifted off to sleep, having sent Emily to bed an hour earlier, promising to care for her screaming two-day old son. Emily had gotten up when she heard him cry again anyway but could barely stay awake herself.

"Oh that's okay Emily…he's a good baby, just a little fussy."

"He is so good, isn't he? He's got a calm little disposition: just like someone else we know." Emily said fondly.

"Yeah, it's kind of like Bob's!" He exclaimed.

"Shu, shu Howard!" She urged, his exclamation had caused the baby to stir.

"Oh sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay. Come on Howard, let's put him to bed."

"Oh finally!" He said. She laughed as he placed the baby in her arms.

"Oh Howard. I feel like I'm not doing my part. He's my baby." She considered.

"That's okay Emily, I mean you're sore, you're exhausted. You just gave birth, you can't be expected to do everything alone right away. In fact…I think you should still be in bed."

"I know but you're here and my Mom's here and Bob's Mom's here around the clock and I feel guilty."

"Emily, please. If I just had a baby do you think I'd be doing everything by myself?!" He said, causing Emily to laugh. She smiled looking down at her son.

Howard had been glad to be present for the birth. But, the whole ordeal had left him more appreciative of women, especially Moms. He thought that having a baby was a combination of amazing and horrific at the same time. He didn't know how she was walking around after fifteen hours of labor, acting almost as if she'd been through nothing significant at all. When watching Robbie's birth, Howard had become sure that if Bob weren't already dead, Emily would've tried to kill him for the pain he'd caused her.

"Okay come on, we're going to bed my angel. Come on." She whispered, patting the baby softly as she took him in the other room.

"You know Howard…" She said, coming back into her living room where he had been sleeping. "You can come to bed with me if you'd like…" She really wanted someone to be close to. "It's purely platonic…after all. And I know that couch is not in the least bit comfortable…I mean, I did just have a baby…nothing could happen right now even if we wanted it to."

"But what about Bob?" Howard raised an eyebrow.

"What about him?" Her invitation to have him share her bed didn't seem like a big deal to her. They were platonic friends, who'd spent a lot of time bonding over the last nine months. They were both exhausted and in need of a good rest…well for the two hours Robbie would allow them to have one.

"He'll kill me." Howard pointed out.

"Howard he can't kill you he's…he would be so appreciative of your helping me raise our son and helping me bring him into the world. And that counts for taking care of me too."

"I knew Bob…he'd be jealous."

"Yes, and thankful if he wasn't here…which he isn't."

"Emily."

"Yeah."

"I love you. And I wanna let you know, that Bob's very proud of you."

"Thank you Howard." She smiled, hugging him tightly.

His reminder that Bob would be proud met a lot to her, in fact, other than having her child, it was the compliment that probably made her week. She knew that Bob would be overjoyed by the birth of their son and tried to remind herself of it constantly. It was just nice to have the validation that it was true.

….

"Okay, we'll make it work out…I promise." Emily said shutting her front door behind Howard.

Emily held three week old Robbie in her arms. It seemed like a lot had happened in that time. Christmas had passed, her parents had gone home and now, Howard had just left, he was flying to St. Louis. It was his first flight since Robbie was born, meaning it was going to be the first time that Emily would be alone with her son for several days. Her mother-in-law had offered for her to stay with them or to come over, but Emily had declined, at least for the weekend, she had to know that she and Robbie could be okay by themselves: without her or Howard…which until now had seemed impossible.

Emily found it funny that after all these years of taking care of Howard; he was now taking care of her. After all, she didn't really know how to take care of a baby: but he did. And he was very good at it. Robbie's first sleepless nights had turned into a well-oiled feeding and sleeping schedule, thanks not to the baby's grandmothers but to Howard. Emily just hoped she could maintain it in his absence.

"Robbie, what do you think this is the start of our new life, you and Mommy. I know you're thinking it, where's Uncle Howard? Where's Grandma Martha? They'll both be back in a few days…but it's mostly going to be you and me angel and I hope you can be okay with that…Mommy's come to be okay with that. I love you."

Emily realized that she wouldn't survive if she didn't make peace with that reality, and while still sorrowful she decided to make the most out of her new life with her son. She was determined to be happy. But she was still sad. Howard's absence left a quiet void. It was just the two of them alone together now. Robbie stared back at her much like his father used to. He truly had the same calm little disposition…accept when he was hungry, then he was as cranky as his father was when he was hungry.

Emily was breastfeeding Robbie, which made things a lot easier for her. Being single, she wanted things to be as easy as could be and realized that it would be easier to get up in the middle of the night and nurse a baby than it would be to make a bottle, wait for it to warm up and then, knowing her when she was sleepy, forget to turn off the burner and accidently burn the apartment down. Besides, she wanted the closeness with Robbie. Most importantly, she couldn't really afford formula, or the bottles: the diapers were necessary and expensive enough.

That brought her to money, which was a constant worry. She had none. She had to live on just her salary again and provide for a baby, it was scary: she'd failed to realize, even with being a vice principal, just how little money she made compared to Bob. She needed the extra money so badly, she was profusely thankful everyday that she'd become a vice principal. Despite the fact that she got help from her parents and in-laws she knew that she wouldn't be coming close to making ends meet without the pay hike she'd gotten from her promotion last year.

Of course Mr. Carlin was of periodic help, something Emily still couldn't make sense of. Mr. Carlin insisted on starting a college fund (and funding it heavily) for Robbie, who, in the future, he would come to see every once in a while, always bearing gifts. Emily found all of this funny given that he was such a greedy and cheap man…on the other hand she always knew there was a heart in him somewhere and that her husband had met a lot to him. What she didn't know was that Mr. Carlin felt guilty about what had happened to Bob. He'd been in the room with him and the bank robber alone and had no idea at the time, what was going on. In retrospect, Elliot was ashamed for not noticing something was wrong, and doing something to save the life of a good friend whose life mattered, in his very private view, far more than his own.

In penance, helping to take care of his half-orphaned son and widow seemed like the least he could possibly do, especially given that he only had one dependent: himself. Upon Elliot Carlin's death, Robert Hartley Jr. would find out that he was a very rich man. Emily didn't know any of this and was still perplexed by Carlin's generosity.

"So…do you have any plans for New Years?" She asked her son teasingly.

She was disappointed that Howard would not be with them on New Years Eve, which was that very night, and neither would anyone else. She was the only person she knew home alone without plans…but she was also the only one she knew with a brand new baby.

"Mommy guesses her plan is to stay with you huh, angel?"

This was bittersweet. Last New Years had been wonderfully romantic. She and Bob had gone dancing, only because she'd really wanted to. They rang in the New Year with the classic kiss at midnight. She thought it was one of the better kisses in the history of their marriage, at least one of the better public ones and she would always treasure it. Bob was kind of a shy public kisser and as a result was never that affectionate in public.

When they got home they broke one of their first new years resolutions by gorging themselves on leftover candy, mostly chocolate, from their Christmas stockings. But Emily didn't care. She could hold off on truly starting the new year in every sense until the morning sun shone on their snow-covered patio making it glisten so bright it would almost blind her if she looked at it too intensely.

They stayed up till dawn to watch the sun rise together on a new year, passing the time before first light by making promises and suppositions about what 1977 might hold for them.

"Lets start trying again." Bob said suddenly. It was three am and Emily thought maybe she'd misunderstood him.

"What? For what?"

"A baby."

1977 would make three years since they'd stopped trying to have a baby.

"Really…you want to try for a baby?" In the past, she'd been the one enthusiastic about the idea, him…not so much.

"Yeah…I think my new years resolution is to become a father."

"That seems kind of lofty at this point Bob."

"Well if we don't get pregnant by Christmas." He paused. "Then lets do something else. Like spend next new years in Rome."

"I like that idea. To Rome it is!" She laughed.

Emily sat there thinking about how a year before, she'd thought that the odds were so much greater that she be in Rome right then. Instead she sat in their dark apartment, alone with her husband's new year's resolution. Emily smiled slightly. She wondered if he'd resolved that the baby would have his eyes. Robbie looked up at his Mom, kind of smiling at her with his baby blue eyes. He was so happy and carefree. He had no idea about the burdens on her heart.

"Do you have a new years resolution darling?" She asked. "Mommy has one that I think will be very good for you. I'm going to stop being so sad all the time. You're your father's last wish and you deserve to be celebrated…taught to be happy. So Mommy's going to be happy because we have so much to look forward to."

…..

Howard was tired. He'd been traveling for over a week and had flown around the world. First there was St. Louis, back on New Years Eve, he wished he'd been able to spend it with Emily and the baby, or with Ellen in Cleveland instead. Then he'd flown to New York, Brussels, Hong Kong and finally Tokyo. That's where he'd just come from: Japan. It was late in the evening and he supposed that Emily and Robbie were probably, well, hopefully asleep. He decided he'd just go back to his own place and go to sleep. He was so tired from flying he would've much rather spend the last few days caring for the baby, at least that would be a worthwhile exhaustion.

Howard was relieved when the elevator reached the fifth floor. It was great to be home. He noticed a pink note on all the doors as he walked down the hall and pulled his out of his doorframe. He'd found in his past from experience, that pink notes were usually bad news. He carefully unfolded it, putting his bag down in front of the door.

_Dear Resident:_

_This note is to inform you that your monthly rent, will increase by $75.00 beginning on 1 February, 1978…._

Howard barely bothered to read the rest of the note…Emily couldn't afford that! What would she do? Howard panicked. He grabbed the note off of Emily's door. He couldn't tell her and she couldn't ever know. Howard then went to the extreme level of ripping every bright pink notice off of every door and shoving it back under each and every door so Emily wouldn't see them in the morning.

What in the world was he going to do?! She didn't want to move. She'd expressed this repeatedly, having in the past nine months rejected repeated offers to live with everyone from her in-laws, to her parents and even him. What if he gave up his place and moved in with her? No…there just wasn't enough room. He then decided the only viable option was to pay her way, at least for now.

So the next morning Howard went down to the rental office on the first floor of the building and made arrangements to take over the extra $75.00 on her rent.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" The building's office manager inquired.  
"Yeah. I'm sure….the only thing is, I'll need for you to uh…send her a bill every month with the original amount on it, because, she can't know about this. Under any circumstances." Howard knew Emily, and if she knew she wouldn't let him just pay her way like this.

"Wow. Okay. Whatever you want." She shook her head.

"What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, Mr. Borden…is that you'd have to be a very wonderful friend to do this. $75.00 is a lot of money. I just can't guarantee she'll never find out."

"Don't worry about that, that's my job." Howard told her.

Howard left, satisfied that he was, at least for now, able to save Emily from one more blow he didn't think she'd be able to handle. But what would happen when she did find out?

"Emily!" He exclaimed, he was surprised to see her there, about to walk out of the front of the building when he came out of the rental office.

"Howard, you're home!" She squealed, hugging him tightly.

"Yeah, I am." He kissed her cheek. "It's so great to see you. And how's our little guy, oh Robbie I missed you!" He said, leaning down into the newborn boy's stroller.

"He missed you too, believe me. Wanna join us on our morning walk, Uncle Howard, maybe we'll catch up…have some coffee."

"I'd love to Emily." He accepted, taking her arm in his.

….

Six months passed for Emily in the blink of an eye. Soon it was summer. By this time, she had gone back to work, started taking Robbie to the park almost every day and achieved her goal of not being so awesomely sad over her husband's death…all the time that is. The anniversary of his death and their wedding anniversary, both in the first half of April, had been very difficult for her to get through, as had some of Robbie's milestones. Emily knew those would be hard for her…well maybe bittersweet. And although he was still so small, she was contemplating how she would eventually explain to him that his father was dead, had never known he existed, but loved him very much.

Today, however, marked another difficult day she hadn't really been looking forward to. Overnight separation from Robbie. Emily was off from school, on summer vacation and Martha Hartley had decided that it would be a good time for her to give Emily a several day, long break to just be a person rather than a full time Mom…and Dad too really. But she didn't want the break. She and Robbie hadn't been apart overnight before and Emily wasn't exactly ready for it.

"Oh…Mom. I want you to have him, but I don't know if I'm ready for this." Emily said as her mother-in-law lifted six-month-old baby Robbie out of his playpen.

"Aren't you tired Emily?"

"Tired? Mom I'm exhausted." Martha observed that Emily also looked completely exhausted.

"Emily." She said. "You've been going non-stop since this baby was born, you need just a couple of days to do something for yourself, just to relax."

"I guess you're right….but I'm going to miss him so much. Come here angel." She said, taking her son from Martha. She kissed the baby's cheek and lay him down in his car seat. "Okay my love, Grandma loves you so much, and she's going to take very good care of you for a few days, okay?" She said, as she began to buckle him in and tuck his blanket around him. "And Mommy loves you, and she'll see you in a couple of days, okay, okay!" She squealed, kissing him again. The baby smiled up at his Mom. "Okay Mom, take him…while I can stand it."

"Oh Emily…I was just the same way with Bob."

Martha was crying now and Emily pulled her in her embrace. Emily understood the sentiment, but thought she really didn't understand where she was coming from. When Bob was a baby, Martha's husband wasn't dead. Robbie met everything to Emily in an even bigger sense than usual. He was really all she had left, and pretty much all she had to look forward to. But she supposed she wasn't where Martha was either. She thought she'd probably be even more devastated if she'd lost Robbie and not Bob.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. It's okay." Emily soothed as she rocked her mother-in-law.

"He looks so much like his Dad."

"I know. He's got his eyes…and they make me so happy and so, so deeply sad all at once." Emily smiled.

"Oh Emily my dear. I feel the same way about him."

"Enjoy him Mom. I know he loves seeing you." Robbie looked up at his mother and grandmother. "It's kind of funny, he's so tiny, but he knows you're a link to something he can't even grasp."

Emily sighed when she finally shut the apartment door on her mother-in-law and son. It was strange to finally be alone. She hadn't been alone at all in a long, long time and kind of didn't know what to do with her time or herself.

She looked outside and the setting summer sky. Boy it sure would've been a perfect date night…but she wasn't ready for that. Not even close. This was a first step. Emily looked down at her hand, twisting the diamond wedding ring that still adorned her finger. She took a good long look, she hadn't in a while. Bob had first given it to her on a night just like this one, only it was a warm spring night.

Emily decided she would stay in for the evening, not ready to venture out in the world on her own, but excited about the idea of watching a movie, reading, having tea and not having to worry about a baby crying. Emily had changed a few things about the house since Bob had died. Of course his den, had become a nursery, which had been both a joy and very hard on her, the transformation of the room being like a comfirmation that he was gone. She'd also put the majority of his things in storage just because it was too painful…but she still used his razor.

Emily sat down at the vanity she'd added to her bedroom. She'd put it there because it was so personal and she knew she needed something that focused singularly on herself. Emily eyed herself as she began to remove her earrings, noting that she was being super critical about the little things: her hair, the dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep…she raised an eyebrow at herself, wondering if she could get a date at this point….yet she was ashamed for thinking it. She wanted to wait until Robbie was much, much bigger if she did it at all. She had loved being Bob's wife and she still did. The gleam of the lamp's light on Emily's wedding ring drew her attention back to it. She removed it, eyeing it with the greatest most special care. She brought the ring up to her lips and gave it a single kiss.

Emily picked up the necklace Bob had given her, the one she'd found in his desk. She'd worn it everyday since she'd opened it and had promised herself that she always would. A single tear slid down Emily's cheek as she slid her ring…and his onto either side of the locket and then put the necklace back on. She thought it would look funny, but it looked just perfect. And like with everything else, it was time to move on.

"Oh Bob…it's beautiful." She cried. "I know your not…not there but…and you know I really don't want to move on without you…but I think you'd rather have me move on, right? You'd rather have me be happy…Oh honey, I have to somehow. But this is my way of keeping us close to my heart always….okay." She said, speaking less to a ghost than to a memory. "Okay." She sighed, looking at herself now.

Maybe she was talking to herself. She didn't know but she knew she was going to be okay. Emily got up and decided to go do something relaxing, resolved to carry on with her new year's resolution and be happy.


	6. Life with Robbie

Chapter 6- Life with Robbie

Summer had given away to fall, Emily's favorite time of year. And because Robbie was older his Mom, Grandmother and Howard had started to take him out more. Emily, for example, took Robbie to the library and to get coffee whenever she could…several times a week. And even at ten months old, he loved it when his Mom would sit in the busy coffee shop and read to him. Being out and looking at all the people helped him envision the story so much easier. At this rate, Emily thought they'd finish every storybook in the children's section of the library by the time he was four. Howard had been taking him out too, usually to the park, the zoo the usual places you might take a baby along with you.

Emily trusted Howard with her baby unconditionally, but she was hesitant at his and Jerry's request to allow them to take Robbie to his first basketball game. She knew if Bob were there, he'd be going and asking her the same question. Who asked really made no difference to her. She would say no to Bob in the same way she'd say no to Howard…only Howard had kind of pressured her into it.

"Oh Howard, I'm not sure I'm ready to have you take him out." Emily said, straightening the cap on her baby's head. "Besides, why would you take a ten-month-old to a basketball game anyway, its loud and crowded and he'll cry…"

"Plus you have to carry that diaper bag Howard." Jerry interjected.

"Jerry, I'll carry the baby, you carry his bag. Emily I wanna take him to his first game…" He began as she sighed.

"It's a right of passage, Emily…and Bob would want us to share it with him." Jerry reminded. "Besides, you haven't been out in a while: you deserve some time for you."

"Alright Jerry maybe you're right."

"I thought you'd see it our way."

"Fine: just as long as you keep him warm and safe."

"Will do Emily." Jerry reassured.

"And well-fed and not scared…and under any circumstances don't you dare take your eyes off of him!"

"Of course I won't Emily, you don't have anything to worry about." Howard was insulted.

"Howard's right, we'll have great fun, won't we Robbie?" Jerry added.

"Okay…well have a good time my men…Mommy loves you." She said, kissing the side of the baby's head.

"Yeah Emily, you can trust us." Howard said.

"Sure, I mean what do you think we're going to do, leave without our best friend's baby." Jerry laughed.

"Everything's under control." Howard promised.

"Bye Emily." Jerry said as he and Howard left the apartment, leaving Emily there, still holding the baby.

Robbie blinked a few times, even being ten-months-old he already knew that there was something wrong with this situation.

"Awe, they forgot ya, didn't they sweat-pea?" Emily teased. "That's okay because I really wanted to stay home with you anyway…." She finished just before the men walked back in. "Forgot something?" She asked.

"Just uh…."

"Yeah…."

"Uh, the, the baby."

"Howard, you see this is what I'm talking about: you have to be extra careful with him. It's not like he's five or six and can cling to you…he's a little tiny baby."

"It's alright Emily, I promise. Uncle Howard made one mistake: but he's here now and he promises not to forget Robbie again." Howard said, wrenching Robbie out of Emily's arms.

"Yeah Emily it's going to be okay." Jerry added.

"Yeah, I mean that was rough for us…getting into that elevator and realizing…" Jerry shot Howard a warning glare when he said this. Howard cleared his throat. "I mean, getting into the elevator and realizing we were all out of mints."

"Nice save Howard." Jerry complimented sarcastically.

"I knew what you met!" Emily was concerned but decided to give Howard another chance. "Now you three get out of here, you're going to miss your game."

…..

"Well that was a relief." Howard said. Robbie was now nestled in the baby carrier strapped to his chest. He felt like an idiot wearing that thing, but thought that maybe if he wore it he'd have a substantially smaller chance at misplacing his "son."

"Yeah, I didn't think she was going to let us leave." Jerry complained.

"Well she did and we're going to have a great time, aren't we Robbie?"

Robbie yawned. He could honestly not stop thinking about taking a nap and wondered very much why he wasn't with his Mom. Usually this was the time of evening when she gave him his bottle and began rocking him to sleep. Nonetheless, he understood that being out with Uncle Howard and Jerry was unusual and wondered what it would all lead to…he just hoped he'd stay awake for it…but he didn't.

"See Howard I told you we shouldn't have brought him." Jerry remarked, watching Robbie sleep against Howard's chest. "I knew he was just going to sleep."

"No!" Howard snapped, causing Jerry to jump a little. "You know Bob would want him to go."

"Howard. Basketball was something between Bob and me…and sometimes Bob and me and Cliff Murdoch…you never even went."

"Sure I've been to basketball games before."

"Howard."

"Huh?"

"What's a free throw?"

"Silly, that's when it's okay to cheat on your girlfriend for just one evening."

"Okaaay…then what's a rebound?" Howard sighed when he asked this.

"It's when you go from one relationship to another real quick!"

"Yeah…yeah that's it Howard."

…

"Wasn't that a fun game Robbie?" Howard asked, getting back on the train and kissing the baby's cheek.

"Howard he slept through ninety percent of it."

Robbie had slept through most of the game, even the really loud parts. But he'd delighted in the parts he witnessed. Jerry thought he'd really gotten into it but wouldn't admit that. He reminded him of his Dad. He also thought that Robbie may've understood the game better than Howard had, and this was something that he wanted badly to say.

"Here he's heavy, you hold him for a while." Howard said, taking Robbie out of the baby carrier and giving him to Jerry.

Jerry was a little surprised by this. He liked being the fun uncle, the one who held the kid when he was awake, took him fun places and brought him gifts…Howard could be the one that did the actual work, which is exactly why he'd been the one caring for the mostly sleeping boy all night, and it was about to cause a big fight between the two men, it was the kind of thing that was just boiling under the surface with both of them.

"Howard, do I have to carry him now, he's asleep!"

"Well yeah! Don't forget I've been carrying him all night!"

"And dear I'm sure you've been carrying him a lot longer than that." Smiled an older woman, who pat Howard on the shoulder as she got off the train.

It was only Jerry who understood that she'd mistaken him and Howard for a gay couple arguing about how to care for their child. Jerry was mortified. Neither of them recognized the woman as Bob's former patient, Mrs. Bakerman.

"She's right." Howard said.

"Right! Howard, I'm not going to put up with this!" Jerry cried, putting Robbie down on the seat next to him.

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!" The two continued to argue as they got off the train.

"Howard! You don't even get half of what I'm talking about you're driving me crazy!" Jerry yelled. "First off a rebound in basketball is not the same thing as a rebound in love! Second Robbie is…"

"Robbie! Jerry, where's Robbie!"

"Oh! Howard he's on the train!" He said, the two men began to run as fast as they could in order to catch up with the train carrying their best friend's baby.

Howard ran for the train like he would run for his own son…in fact he would tell you he thought of it that way. Jerry decided he'd never forgive himself if anything actually happened. Luckily for them the train's next stop was only a couple of blocks a way, they climbed aboard with no ticket, no nothing, forcing their way through the crowd of people and found Robbie safely on a bench where they'd left him, sitting on a very confused lady's lap and crying his little eyes out. He recognized Howard immediately and was comforted to be back in his arms.

"Oh Robbie oh my little guy are you okay." He looked the baby over observing he was completely unharmed save scared senseless.

"Hey lady thanks." Jerry said to the woman who'd been holding him. She looked familiar, and he thought he'd seen her in the office or something maybe she was one of Dr. Newman's patients…no; she still needed a new nose.

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves…what you must've had to go through to get a baby…boy pretty soon, you'll end up being a jerk parent like my father. Good luck kid." She scoffed as she got off the train.

"Friendly." Jerry remarked.

Neither of them recognized the woman as Bob's former patient, Michelle.

"We did go through a lot to get him!" Howard yelled after her, "Our best friend had to die!"

"Howard we…"

"Don't talk to me Jerry."

"What, I…."

"I almost just lost my son because of you!"

"Oh Howard! He's no more your son than mine!" Jerry laughed.

"Look, he's both your son and your son." Smiled a light haired mustached man as he walked by, giving input to the dispute as he to moved to get off the train. "Night ladies."

"Ladies?" Howard and Jerry asked, puzzled as they watched him leave. Neither of them recognized him as Bob's only openly gay patient, Mr. Plagar.

…..

"Did my boys have a good evening? How's my little guy?" Emily squealed, taking her sleeping baby in her arms. She'd hated having the evening to herself and had missed her baby and Howard too.

"Tired." Howard replied simply.

"He looks it…did he have a good time?"

"A great time." Howard assessed, fearful of telling her the truth about having lost him.

"Awe that's wonderful. Did you have to give him a bottle?"

"No, no. I didn't have to feed him or change him or much of anything."

"Oh there's my baby boy I love you." Emily giggled. She kissed the side of a sleeping Robbie's head and hugged him tightly. "I missed you."

Howard watched carefully as Emily rocked the baby. He was so thankful he didn't have to explain that he'd "misplaced" him. After all, their feelings about him were mutual: they both loved him more than anything in the entire world, he knew how he'd feel if she "explained" that to him…and forgiving wasn't exactly on the list of options.

"Oh Howard I just can't tell you how much I missed him. Did he like the game, was it fun?" She asked. He'd followed her into the nursery, where she lye him on the changing table and got out his sleeper.

"Yeah, yeah it was great." He hesitated.

"Oh mommy's so glad her boys had such a good time." Emily smiled, oblivious that anything was out of the ordinary. "Awe sweet pea, it's pajama time, yes it is!" Emily squealed as the boy slept. Howard sighed, watching Emily fawn over her son, and knowing he'd have to divulge the truth to her sooner or later.

…..

Robbie was relieved to see his Mom when he woke up the next morning, especially after enduring such a wild night before. While he'd only been lost a few minutes, he had been very upset by it. Robbie didn't know that he wasn't truly lost because Michelle had been holding him, she'd kept in contact with Emily too but hadn't seen Robbie in several months and didn't know he was the baby she'd found, and either way it wouldn't have comforted him to know that. Loosing sight of Howard was the part that had really scared him.

Robbie wanted, in the worst way to say: "Mommy you'll never believe what I've been through!" But of course being a ten-month-old baby, he could not. If Emily knew what Robbie had been through the night before, she'd throw an absolute fit and probably pass out too.

"Mommy missed somebody last night." Emily squealed. Robbie smiled. "But now you get to go out with Mommy don't you precious, yeah!"

Robbie was elated to be out with his Mom. He sucked on his pacifier and pretended he was falling asleep. He knew Mom would never misplace him, leave him somewhere scary or forget to feed him, all which Howard and Jerry had done the night before…at the same time, he knew Mom would never take him to a basketball game either…whatever that was that part had been kind of fun.

"Robbie, Mommy knows you're not sleeping love." She whispered in his tiny ear. He lye against her chest, and was not asleep, but rather, had been lulled into a sense of calm by the sound of her heartbeat.

Robbie eventually did fall asleep as Emily boarded the train. He slept quietly against her chest as she read the paper and cradled him in her arms. She kissed the baby boy's tiny, mostly hairless head and he sighed. It wasn't just his mom's heart that kept him asleep, but also the train, which teetered back and forth in a subtle rocking motion as it went along. Emily was alarmed when the train stopped suddenly. Robbie awoke and lifted his head up but quickly nestled his face against his mother back where it had been before. He sighed and began to suck on his pacifier a little faster. Emily noted that he was frustrated but remained asleep. A few minutes later the train stopped again and Robbie awoke. He opened his tiny blue eyes and looked around this time. He quickly realized that he was back on the train and began to cry.

"Oh baby boy! What's wrong?" She asked. "Huh, what's wrong?!"

She tried to comfort him quickly. At first she thought that he was frustrated from having been woken up. She knew he wasn't wet or hungry…and then suddenly she realized that he was scared to death.

"Oh Robbie honey, what's wrong? What's wrong?" She soothed as he cried.

Robbie buried his face in his Mom's chest, desperate to stay close to her and was afraid she'd leave him there like Howard had.

"Shu, shu! I've got you, I've got you!" She whispered, holding him close and blowing kisses in his ear. He looked up at her with big wet blue eyes and kissed his cheek. "Mommy's gotchya baby boy, Mommy's gotchya." She whispered.

Robbie was content once again when he and his mother got off the train. Emily thought it was really weird that he seemed to be afraid of it. He hadn't been before, and he wasn't afraid of the car either.

"What is up with you tiny guy?" Emily asked. "Huh?" Robbie smiled now and giggled up at his Mom. "That's better, yeah, that's my Robbie! Ha! Yeah, that's my little boy!" She squealed. By this time they were on their way meet Howard for breakfast as he had just gotten into town.

Howard was nervous about seeing Emily and was planning on telling her what happened while they were in public, he thought that would be best. But he stalled his plans, noting the distraught look on her face when she walked into the restaurant.

"Emily what's wrong?" He asked as she sat down.

"Howard I think he's scared of the train. One minute he was fine…well he was asleep…and the next he was screaming, what could it be?" She asked. Howard didn't answer and she continued talking. He felt terrible. "Anyway, I hoped tonight you'd help me plan."

"Plan?"

"Well yeah, we've got a big birthday coming up…oh Howard can you believe that it's his little first birthday already!"

"No, no I can't…seems like just yesterday you were having him."

Those fifteen hours of labor had seemed like forever to both of them in two totally different ways and hadn't been completely forgotten even in the almost year it had been since Robbie was born. Upon this reflection, Howard knew he couldn't tell Emily that he'd lost the baby, it was just too much.

…..

A month went by and Howard had begun to forgive himself. After all, he'd lost Howie when he was that same age too. No harm, no foul, right? He caught Robbie looking up at him, turning around in order to look up into his face as he sat on his mother's lap. It was time for him to blow out his birthday candles but he wasn't paying any attention. Howard was happy that everyone's attention that day was completely on Robbie. He and Jerry, who hadn't seen each other again until that evening, had quietly forgiven each other and decided to become friends again. It was stupid to blame each other forever.

Her little boy's first birthday was surreal and overwhelming for Emily. She dried a little tear that threatened to fall from her eye as she handed the baby to Martha. She looked around at the Christmas tree, the snow falling outside and everyone joyfully partaking in her son's birthday and realized they'd all come a long way, they'd truly moved on from their grief at loosing Bob…but she knew deep inside she never would completely.

Nonetheless she couldn't believe she and Robbie had already come this far together. She told him that when she put him in his crib that night and all the guests including Bob's parents and Howard had left. He had just finished his bottle and was close to falling asleep.

"Happy Birthday Robbie." She smiled. "Mommy's proud of you…if only you knew how far you and I've come together. I hope you had a very wonderful day, I know I did." She reflected, running her fingers over his still barely there hair. While he may've just turned one Emily was glad he was still very tiny. "Anyway, we'll go Christmas shopping tomorrow. Promise. Mommy loves you. Happy Birthday." She said again as the nearly sleeping boy grabbed a hold of one of her fingers and squeezed it tightly.

"Ni Mama."

"Ni Robbie. You'll never know what a blessing you are to me." She kissed his cheek, happy to have heard her son's first real words, one year to the hour from his birth. Emily waited with him until he fell asleep then turned out the nursery light and went to plan tomorrow which would be exclusively about Christmas shopping.

…..

Emily remembered screaming, lots of screaming, punctuated by Howard's rambling voice, both of which were overpowered in a single surprising second by the sound of a baby's tears. Emily allowed herself to fall backward into her pillows, had she done it? Finally? The world totally stopped for Emily when the baby was placed on her chest. Her physical pain, which until now, had been enormous, was mostly gone, something that was totally amazing and her extreme emotional distress about her husband's death, which had consumed her throughout her pregnancy suddenly took on a whole new meaning. Suddenly the new life on her chest met everything to her and everything else, even her grief, paled in comparison.

"Emily he's beautiful." Howard was crying.

"Hi sweetheart." She whispered, having never been so happy to see anyone in her entire life. "Hi Robbie my love." It was at that moment, when his crying began to fade and he attempted to open his little blue eyes and look at her, that she fell more deeply in love with him than she'd ever been with anybody else in her life. All else, time, sound, faded into the background for her for a few moments when she looked into her new baby's eyes.

Emily went back into the kitchen after tucking Robbie in. She couldn't believe it had been one year since he'd been born. Boy how time flies…she thought. Emily went to make a sandwich, she'd been so busy planning the party she hadn't had dinner before it began and was starving. Emily looked up when Howard walked back into the apartment.

"Oh hi Howard." She smiled. "But shu, he's sleeping."

"Oh I figured just…you know it's time." Emily smiled, looking at the clock.

"I know Howard. He was born exactly a year ago, right now." She acknowledged, still smiling as she descended from the slightly raised kitchen and went to give him a hug, she so thankful for his help, his friendship…his commitment.

"I know it's late but…I came to tell you how proud of you I am." He wanted to add how proud Bob would be, but didn't, she was coping so well he thought it would be harmful to bring it up.

"Thank you Howard." She whispered.

"You're an awesome mother Congratulations on a first great year."

"Congratulations to you too." She said, meaning every word of it. It was nice to have someone to parent with.

"Hey Emily, can I take him to build a snowman tomorrow?" He asked, Emily sighed.


	7. You've got to move on sometime

Chapter 7- You've got to move on sometime

"Robbie…um…Robbie honey…honey, Mommy's sleeping don't touch Mommy's face." Emily wined. She could feel the baby grabbing her nose and poking her eyes and cheeks and lips. "Okay baby, Mommy gets you're trying to wake her up, sweetheart she gets it." Emily giggled, her eyes still closed. "Come here, give Mommy a good morning kiss." The little boy kissed the very tip of his Mom's nose.

"Hi." He said.

"Hi…are you sure you don't want to go back to sleep?" She yawned, covering her mouth. He shook his head no. Robbie wasn't interested in sleep. He wanted to get up and go to the park: desperately.

"Okay, I get it, we'll get up and play." She said, sitting up and yawning again. She reached for the phone and answered it when it began to ring. "Oh hello….oh hello!" She was surprised at who was on the other end of the phone.

She took the little block her son offered her and began looking it over, just to pacify him. He'd brought a whole little set of baby blocks onto the bed with him and had begun trying to sort them…which was pretty difficult to do on the soft surface of the bed. Robbie looked up at his Mom and wondered exactly who it was that was on the phone. He got distracted by her conversation and began to tug at the phone cord.

"Yes…I'd love to go out with you tonight." She said, yanking the phone cord back, "sure…8 sounds great….alright. I'll see you then." She smiled, hanging up the phone.

Moments later, she began to wonder what she'd done. She ran her fingers through her almost shoulder-length brown hair, fluffing it up a little, and looked down at her son who gazed up at her as if to indicate that he was totally perplexed. Was she ready for a date, with Robbie still a baby, granted a much older baby, but a baby?

"If I can get a baby sitter that is." She finished.

Emily couldn't ask Bob's parents to watch Robbie since she was going out with a man…she'd feel far too disrespectful in doing that. It would be wrong. She did ask Carol but she and Larry were going to the ballet and had been planning it for weeks. Jerry also had a date, apparently a really hot one, but would love to see Robbie over the weekend.

After trying several of her friends, (including Margaret who used to live downstairs but had moved across town several years before Bob died), she knew she had to ask Howard…but she was nervous to. She didn't think he'd approve of her dating just yet either. Thinking it over, she thought there was a good chance he'd be more offended than Bob's Mom. In fact, Emily herself barely approved, but she knew it was time and that she, if nothing else, needed to go and have some fun if only just for the evening.

…..

"Oh honey, Mommy has to move on sometime." She consoled, putting her earrings on as she got on her knees to address her son.

Robbie stood in his playpen, watching her with his big blue eyes. To Emily it was like her husband's eyes watching her almost accusingly. It had been two years, she was going on her first date, and she felt guilty, like she was cheating on Bob, which even she realized was beyond ridiculous.

"Oh come on, Mommy feels guilty enough without those big blue eyes just staring at her like that."

"Hi Emily! Hey Robbie, watchya doing? I brought you back an airplane." Howard announced excitedly as he burst into the living room.

"H-Howard, I think he knows I'm going out…just look at him staring at me with those big blue eyes."

"So, you've gone out and he's stayed with Uncle Howard plenty of times, hasn't he?" He asked, handing Robbie the somewhat oversized model of the 747 he'd brought. Robbie took interest immediately but still continued looking up at his Mom.

"No. Howard, it's not you, it's me."

"Emily, what are you saying?" Howard took offense, thinking that she was making a claim about their relationship.

"No. Howard, look at him, he's just staring at me as I'm going to go out on my first date with a man whose not his Father…and I see him and all I see is his Father, just look at him, look at his eyes, he's all Bob…and he's making me feel guilty."

"E-Emily, you don't think…"

"Howard, he's not Bob. He's Robbie. He's not a reincarnation."

"Just making sure."

"Oh come on Howard, you know Robbie…you have to know they're very different guys in some big ways."

"Yeah, the smile."

"What?"

"He smiles and laughs like his Mom."

"Awe Howard."

"Say, who you going out with?" He was curious…and also beginning to think he was a little jealous as well.

"An old college friend." She didn't want to say much more than that.

"Oh, the one whose getting divorced?"

"Yeah, that's, that's the one."

"Emily, do you think uh…"

"Just because one of us is widowed and one of us is divorced doesn't mean anything has to happen." She defended.

"Yeah you're right…I've been out on plenty of those dates."

But Emily was nervous about this date, especially seeing as he was someone she had a history with, dated for a long time, and had almost, years before, slept with…and actually almost gotten engaged to too…At this point, it had been over two years since she'd shared a romantic evening with anyone and she hoped that this night didn't turn into anything just because she longed for a little romance and she guessed he probably did too. She didn't think she was ready for anything beyond dinner and a movie, a kiss and a carriage ride around the park were totally out of the question for her.

….

Robbie loved his alone time with Uncle Howard. He got to sit on his knee and watch guy stuff on television, like football, which his Mom would never put on and it always made him mad that she didn't. Although still a baby and just beginning to turn into a toddler, Robbie was already very conscious of sports and "guy things." Emily noted he liked the things his father had in that regard, and like with Bob, his time to do those guy things, usually with Uncle Howard, Jerry or his Grandpa Hartley were important to him.

Howard had grown close to Robbie too. He and Emily worked together to raise him everyday and he was pretty much the boy's father. Robbie was also invaluable to Howard because he was his second chance at fatherhood. Howie was close to grown up, heavily involved in school activities, and although he had been known to spend a lot of time with both Howard and Robbie (enough to where Robbie thought he had a really awesome big brother) was not around much anymore. Howard looked up from the football game on television when he heard a knock at the door.

"Be there in just a second!"

"Howard, it's me." Ellen called.

"Oh look, it's Aunt Ellen, Robbie! It's your Aunt Ellen!" He said, rushing to the door to greet his girlfriend, they'd maintained a long-distance relationship for almost three years now. It had become a little more casual as of late, which saddened them both a little but Howard and Ellen agreed that they would always remain close friends, if not more no matter what.

"Ha there he is!" Ellen smiled upon seeing Robbie. She took him in her arms the moment she arrived and hugged him. He was an unquestionable link to her favorite older brother and she loved him.

Robbie squealed and tried to hug Ellen's face.

"Hey Robbie. Howard, are you here alone with him?"

"Yeah. Uh…" He didn't think Bob's family should know this but he saw no way out of it. "E-Emily's on a date."

"Oh." Ellen contemplated this for a moment. "Well, good for her. It's-it's time."

"You're upset." Howard insisted as he went to make her favorite drink.

"Well…"

"Going out on Bob, what kind of…"

"Going out on Bob, Howard, honey…no."

"No?"

"That's not the way it is. It's time for her to move on: you know that."

"Yeah, I guess, it…"

"You're jealous, aren't you?"

"J-jealous." He stuttered, then started laughing. "Me jealous? Are you kidding. Oh that's real funny Ellen. Me jealous."

"You are. You've got that look in your eye. See that Robbie, that's your Uncle Howard's jealous look." Robbie looked back and forth between his Aunt and Uncle with a kind of confused curiousity. Howard tried not to listen when Ellen continued. "You'll know he's jealous because he's nervous when he is and he studders."

"N-n-no I don't!" He was almost done making the drinks.

"And he drops things."

Howard dropped a small champagne glass on the floor, causing it to shatter as she said this.

"And usually they break." Ellen smiled at Robbie who giggled at Uncle Howard's panic attack over breaking the glass.

"See Howard, I told you: you're jealous."

"Of what?!"

"Of Emily and her date."

"Ellen! I told you we're just friends."

"Uh-huh."

"We are!" Howard insisted. He didn't want to admit it but she was right, he thought maybe he was jealous of Emily's date. After all, she was going out with another man when he'd been so faithful to her…it kind of hurt.

….

"There he is, there's my little boy!" Emily said as she came in the apartment.

She had had a good time and reluctantly brought her date back home with her, which she thought wasn't the best idea in hindsight. Her son was little and probably really shouldn't meet her dates. And Howard…she could tell immediately that Howard was displeased with this and he'd tell her why later.

"Jack, this is my son Robbie." She introduced, picking the boy up from his place on the couch next to Howard and placing him on her hip.

"Hi Robbie, it's nice to meet you."

Robbie chose not to say anything and instead looked up at his mother's friend quizzically. He wasn't afraid of the man…in fact he looked like a nice man, but he was confused about who he was and looked back at Howard for direction.

"And this is my good friend, and next door neighbor, Howard Borden." Emily continued.

"Jack." Howard began. Emily noticed right away that Howard was not being as friendly as he usually might. "Where do you live and what do you do for a living?" He questioned coldly. Emily was immediately embarrassed.

"Howard…"

"Anyway, I think I'll call it a night." Howard paused. He was disgusted with Emily for bringing this guy here and didn't want to leave Robbie with them.

"Howard I…." Emily hadn't finished, she hadn't planned on a risqué evening, in fact, she'd hoped Howard would join her in the rest of her date, have drinks with them and help her tuck Robbie into bed as usual.

"Dadda!" Robbie cried, reaching for Howard as he began to walk out the door.

"Robbie?" Howard turned around, addressing the small boy.

"Oh honey, he's Uncle Howard, he's not Daddy." Emily was immediately distressed at this. She'd purposely not told him much about Daddies yet and wondered where he'd picked it up conceptually.

"Oh Robbie honey, come here. Let me see you." Howard said, taking Robbie back in his arms.

"I think maybe I'd better go…" Jack began, backing toward the door.

"Oh Jack, I…" Emily began.

"No, it's alright. I understand. I have kids." He paused, shooting Howard a weird look. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay." He reassured, kissing Emily's cheek.

"Okay. Night." She said, closing the door behind him.

Emily was mad. Her first date, and she'd actually had a good time, it had taken her so long to emotionally be able to get to this point and he'd ruined it! She leaned against the door and took a big deep breath trying to collect herself.

"Emily, I…"

"Howard, how could…you!" She cried. He dated all the time…and sometimes it bothered her…yet she never said anything.

"How could I what?! Were you really going to bring that guy in here…with Robbie here? I'd never do that to Robbie, or to Howie!" Howard let her know that he was disgusted with the idea. "He's just a baby, you don't know what this guy's like!"

"I've known him since before I knew Bob!" She informed taking her baby back in her arms. Robbie was disturbed by the yelling, he'd never heard his Mom and Howard argue before, and had began crying. "And I was merely inviting him up for a nightcap Howard…with you in attendance…I'm almost forty years old, don't you think I can handle that?"

"I don't think it's good for Robbie to meet your dates…or mine with the exception of Ellen and she's his Aunt!"

"Well guess what your not his father!" Emily reminded.

"If his father were here, you'd never get away with dating other men!" Howard yelled. "And you know what Emily, the hell I'm not his father…" He said, slamming her front door and leaving Emily totally shaken. Robbie continued to sob and Emily kissed him.

…..

An hour later, Emily sat on her couch in her bathrobe trying to read. She'd finally gotten Robbie quiet and put him to bed, but she couldn't concentrate. She felt awful about her fight with Howard. They'd never fought before and she hadn't imagined they ever would. Suddenly Howard walked in.

"Hi." She said plainly without looking up.

"Hi. Can I uh…can I say good night to Robbie?" He asked.

"Sure." She sighed, not looking up from her reading.

Howard felt awful, he hadn't ever imagined that Emily, the woman he cared for and who'd graciously accepted him as a dinner guest in her home for years now, would ever treat him so distantly. It was hurtful and awkward. He made his way into the nursery that was mostly dark. Robbie's nightlight shone on the ceiling and made the shadow of a rabbit. Howard thought he'd just look in on the sleeping little guy. But Robbie wasn't sleeping, like everyone else involved in the argument, he was wide-awake and upset. He had no idea why his Mom and Dad were fighting and it scared him.

"Hi Robbie." He said.

"Hi."

"I'm so sorry about earlier. Are you okay?" He asked, sitting down in the chair next to the crib. Robbie handed Howard a block similar to the one he'd handed his mother earlier that morning. "I don't think your Mom is going to let me spend as much time with you as I was. It seemed like we were together every day. And I loved hanging out with you. You're my little buddy you know and…while I'm not your Dad." He began, "Not really, I…I love you as my son, okay. Always. No matter what your Mom says. No matter what happens." Emily, who was listening quietly, just outside the door, almost cried. She smiled sweetly. She knew how Howard felt and she understood. Robbie smiled at this.

"Howard." Emily said, coming into the nursery. He stood up, thinking he was going to have to leave. She put her hand on his arm sweetly. "It's bedtime Robbie, okay, Uncle Howard and Mommy love you. There's nothing to worry about." She said, laying him down. Howard caught on and began to tuck him in.

"Yeah. Mommy and I love you."

"Our little boy." She said, smiling at Howard.

"Yeah. Our little guy."

Emily and Howard walked out into the living room together as soon as Robbie was asleep, it didn't take long once he was tucked in by both Howard and Emily, and he felt all was ok with the world again.

"Howard we have to talk."

"Okay, I, I'm guessing you don't want me around anymore."

"No Howard. I'm sorry, I don't want anything to change."

"You don't?" He asked, sitting down on the couch next to her.

"No. Of course not. I think I just over reacted over a couple of things, you know, it was so shocking to hear him call you Dadda."

"I know."

"Howard I've been worried about this: I don't know how on earth I'm going to explain to a tiny boy that his father was…" she paused, she'd never uttered it before even though it was the grim reality, "well murdered. For no reason, in his office, minding his own business when he was just a little tiny unborn thing." She couldn't believe she could finally say that without crying.

"I know Emily, I-I've been thinking that too. But somehow, we'll do it. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I was his father."

"Oh But Howard you are. You're the closest he's probably ever getting."

"Well. I mean I shouldn't have been so rude to Jack…I was jealous Emily."

"You were?"

"Yeah. I-I guess. I guess I was worried he'd hurt you. I mean you've been hurt so much…and I care deeply for you."

"Oh Howard, that's so sweet. He's a nice man. You know I like Jack but…I'm not ready to be serious with anyone. I loved Bob deeply. In every way I could mean that. I don't think I'll be ready for another man until I'm old…if I ever am. I don't want anyone other than him…even though sometimes I try to move forward anyway."

"Like earlier."

"Like earlier. And earlier I was looking at Jack and I was looking at you with my little boy and you know what. I don't think most men, especially someone like Jack, would be the kind of father to my son that you are. Or the kind of…friend you are to me Howard, even if I were married to him. No I don't want anything to change. No one could love us the way you do, no one could fill your shoes. Howard, I love…"

She stopped when Howard leaned in and kissed her. Emily took a deep breath as her lips parted. She was scared to death but went back in for more. Howard couldn't believe what he'd done or that she was pursuing him further. Emily began crying as soon as they broke apart a third time.

"Emily, I'm sorry don't cry." He said, she was sobbing.

"Don't cry! I just cheated on my husband!"

"No you didn't honey." He said, grabbing her wrists in his bands to try and get her full attention. It worked and she turned to him with great big blue eyes.

"Of course I did. I kissed you!"

"Emily, sweetheart." He began.

She swallowed as tears rolled down her cheeks. She didn't like having him call her sweetheart. Only Bob could call her that. Having Howard do it was like cheating on Bob again and she'd already done one of the worst things she could possibly do in that regard.

"Emily, he's gone. You can always love him…but don't feel bad if you move on with your life. You are anyway. Robbie gets a little bigger everyday after all. Emily, please don't cry. It's not a big deal."

"It's not a big deal!...Until now, you and I were like brother and sister…not like boyfriend and girlfriend. In what world do you and I make out let alone…make love…." Howard thought this was ridiculous, they'd gotten nowhere near making love…yet. "It may not be a big deal for you…you're a playboy Howard" she reminded, "…but…" she was embarrassed to admit this.

"What Emily?"

"Well, Bob was my…my only…."

"Only what?" Howard was confused.

"No one but him ever kissed me quite like that...sure I've kissed guys that weren't Bob, but not like that…See why it's like I cheated on him just by kissing you…plus his representative is in the other room…..his little boy and I'm going to feel so guilty when he looks me in the eye tomorrow morning."

"Emily, I-I'm sorry, I….I hope that not a lot will change."

"Me too….you're uh…you're used to doing this with people and like I said…."

"I'm sorry Emily." He felt sincerely awful about this. "I'm so sorry."

"How's this going to affect Robbie?"

"Should it? It doesn't have to."

"No, your right, it doesn't have to and maybe it shouldn't."

"No, it shouldn't."

"Howard."

"Yeah."

"I still feel the same about you as I did before we…"

"Me too."

"Howard."

"Hum?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Because I just realized that you've been everything a husband would be to me and everything a good Daddy is to my baby boy."

"Thank you Emily. I love you guys…you are my family, even in a very unconventional sense."


	8. In the blink of an eye

Chapter 8- In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, five years had passed. Bob had been gone a very long time, but Emily still missed him. She wore the locket he'd given her, along with their wedding rings everyday. As Robbie learned to walk and run and talk, Emily learned to allow his milestones to become precious gems to her rather than painful spears to the heart. Now, five years later, she was happy like she'd promised herself she would eventually be, perhaps a little lonely…but fulfilled by her work, wonderful friends like Howard, and the realization that one day she and Bob would be together again. Most importantly raising her little boy filled her with joy.

As Robbie got older it became increasingly more evident to everyone that he was Bob and Emily's son. Emily thought he looked like a perfect combination of the two of them. Watching him grow and change made her realize that she and Bob would in someway be together forever because of him. Robbie's very being had allowed their love to blossom into something greater than themselves she thought he was a perfect blessing.

As a kindergartener, Robbie still had his Dad's eyes, his Mom's smile, and had clearly inherited his mother's dark brown hair. Of course, the thing that really touched people who knew Bob was that his son carried his essence with him. He was calm, sarcastic, and funny all at the same time just like his father. It amazed people…even Mr. Carlin was awed by it.

By the age of three, Robbie came to the realization that Uncle Howard was just that _Uncle_ Howard and not his Dad. It made Emily sick when Robbie first asked her, just after his third birthday, what had happened to his real Dad and where he was. She thought she'd have until he was at least four to come up with a good explanation for it.

It was a cold winter day, January 1981 to be exact, and Emily elected to explain it to him during a walk in the park because it was something Robbie loved to do. Emily remembered that day well, she had kneeled down and carefully attempted to explain the whole thing to her tiny son. She told him he'd had a wonderful Daddy, who was gone but had loved him very much. She added that his Grandma and Grandpa Hartley were Daddy's Mommy and Daddy, and that one day, when he got very, very old, he'd go to heaven too and finally see Daddy.

Emily had been careful not to give more particulars like, what had happened to Daddy or even tell the boy much about him. Robbie didn't even realize that he'd been named for his Dad. Emily wanted him to know the truth but didn't feel it was right for him to long for something he couldn't have and couldn't know. Still, Emily would never forget how her son's eyes lit up the first time he saw a picture of his Dad. It was awesome as if the tiny boy had finally found something he knew he was missing. Emily let Robbie have his own picture of Bob. The three year old excitedly showed it off, introducing his Daddy to everyone. She'd never forget when he showed her mother-in-law the picture because it was heartbreaking, he had said, with great pride:

"Did you know this is my Daddy?!"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm his Mom."

Now, it had been two years since Emily shared part of the truth about Bob with Robbie. He'd just recently started his first year of school at Tracy Grammar School where his mother was vice principal and was enjoying every aspect of it. Emily took great joy out of the fact that her son had become a happy, healthy little kindergartener who she was very close to.

And even after five years, Howard was still a huge part of Robbie's life. True to his promise, was a loving father to him, deeply involved with almost everything concerning the boy: from discipline, to decision-making with Emily and of course dinner time as well.

But Robbie still had curiosity about his Dad and asked questions about him all the time, most of which went unanswered. Emily thought Robbie had asked everything possible about Robert Hartley Sr. from trivial things like "what was his favorite color", to more complicated questions like: "where'd you meet him", "what did his voice sound like", "did he kiss you Mommy"…but Emily thought nothing would prepare her for what he'd ask her that day.

Emily and Robbie played football in the park every Friday afternoon. The freshly fallen leaves crunched under Emily's feet as she chased her five-year-old son. Emily wore a red and white baseball tee and a pair of jeans. Her hair was longer and she was even skinnier now than she was before.

"Oh I've got you! I've got you!" She laughed, grabbing her son around his arms, in effect, tackling the little boy. He couldn't help bursting into giggles as they fell to the ground together. Emily held him tightly in her arms and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Awe Mom!" He said, wiggling out of her grasp and falling into the pile of leaves beside her.

"Awe Mom what? Is it because Mommy's a girl?" She asked. He crawled back up to her and searched her eyes with his own.

"Well…kind of." He admitted.

"What is it darling?" She asked, searching his little face.

"Well, a lot of the other boys in my class…play football with their Dads."

"Oh, I see." Emily said.

She could tell this was hurting him and that he wanted to talk about it. But because she didn't know what else to say, she changed the subject. It was getting late anyway and they'd talk about it when they got home.

"Come on, it's time for dinner honey." She got up and lifted him back onto his feet.

"Awe Mom, I wanna stay and play a minute, please!" He begged as she began to brush leaves out of his hair with her fingers.

"I know you do, but it's going to rain and we have things to do." She soothed, rubbing his tiny back softly. "We can play again in a couple of days."

"Okay Mommy." He sighed, taking her hand and holding it tightly.

Robbie looked up at his Mom as they walked. She smiled softly but seemed a little sad to him. It wasn't as if he didn't love her because he did very much but he wanted to know as much about his real father as he could, including why he wasn't there, and no one understood that.

"Mommy can I go fishing with Grandpa next weekend, he invited me." He asked suddenly.

"Of course." She promised.

"He won't talk about my Daddy either, which isn't fair because he was his Daddy."

"I know sweetheart. What did you ask him this time?" She was almost nervous to find out the answer to this.

She knew the question had to do with something he'd asked his Grandfather earlier in the day when she was still at work. Emily was thinking about asking Robbie to stop asking his grandparents so many questions about his Dad. They were older and she knew it was painful for them to talk about Bob who'd been their oldest and favorite child.

"I asked him what my Daddy thought of me. You know, when I was a little baby back before I could remember." Robbie told her innocently as they got on the elevator to go back up to their fifth floor apartment. As Emily previously predicted, it had started to rain by then.

"Oh." Emily understood now. The question was paralyzing for her and she didn't know what to say.

"And he didn't say anything. He just got real quiet. Why Mommy why didn't he say anything at all?"

"Oh honey, I…." Emily searched for anything to explain, or to comfort the boy and just kept coming up empty handed.

"He had to have thought something about me." Robbie reasoned. "After all, I was his baby."

Robbie was anxious to know what it was that his father thought about him. After all, they'd never met and Robbie thought so much of his Dad. What very little he knew of his father, he saw as a reflection of himself. He wondered what it would be like to play football in the park with Bob Hartley just once in his life.

"Well," Emily began, still holding his tiny hand as they walked down the hall, they could see their door in the distance and Emily couldn't wait to get there. "He always hoped we'd have a baby."

This wasn't exactly true, the Bob she'd known had never cared all that much for children. Sure he'd asked her for a baby on New Years Eve, and they'd tried for a while, but they'd never talked that much about it again. Bob kept that kind of thing to himself. If he had deeper emotional reasonings for wanting a baby she was in the dark about most of them.

"Robbie. Honey…" Emily sighed as she unlocked their door. "You and Mommy have to talk." She explained.

"What about?" He asked, taking off his shoes and picking up the football again.

Emily sighed, finding herself on her knees once again trying to explain a harsh reality to a little boy far too small to comprehend it. She put her arms around him and pulled him close. He hugged her, noting immediately that she was sad and something was wrong.

"What is it Mommy, don't cry."

"Oh honey…" She smiled, he was always so sweet and concerned with other people's feelings. He was good with helping other people with their feelings. "You're my little sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you too Mommy." He gazed at her inquisitively, trying hard to anticipate what she had to say. He thought she was going to cry and that hurt him.

"Okay, here it goes. Robbie. Daddy never held you honey. He was already gone when you were born." Emily put her head down, unable to look into her son's eyes as she informed him of this…even this sad truth wasn't the whole truth.

"What! He never held me! He wasn't there when I was born?" Emily was taken aback, having never seen her son so outraged before.

"He would've liked to have been there. That I know." She reassured. "But he was gone by then. Uncle Howard is the one who was with Mommy when you were born not Daddy." Robbie didn't notice a single tear roll down his mother's cheek. He was far too upset to notice. "In fact…Robbie," Emily continued, knowing he wanted the truth from her and figuring that it was best to maybe start to get it all out in the open, "Mommy didn't even get to tell Daddy that…that you were inside of her. He died when you were a little tiny baby in my tummy and at the time…you were so tiny, only I knew you were there."

"Why!" She could tell that he was devastated by this revelation and that crushed her even more than having to relive it long enough to say it.

"Robbie I think…I'll tell you when you're older."

"No!"

"Robbie, angel I…"

"I just want to know my Daddy and play football in the park with him like everybody else! And now I get to find out that he didn't even know about me!" This part hurt Robbie the most. "Why can't anybody just tell me the truth!" He asked, throwing his football down on the ground and running back into his room.

"Robbie!" She called after him.

After a while it became evident to Emily that Robbie was not speaking with her. She sighed, leaving him in his room to be by himself. She'd learned that it was best to leave Robbie alone when he was upset or not feeling well…just like his Dad. He'd work it out in time. She decided to make dinner, meatloaf, his favorite…also just like Bob…and try to figure out a way to be more truthful with Robbie about what had happened to Bob. The only problem is that she thought the real story would terrify him.

"Um…Emily we're having meatloaf, it smells good!" Howard exclaimed, walking into Emily's living room. "Hey where's Robbie?" He asked, noting that the little boy would normally already be in his arms the moment he walked in the door.

"Well he's not talking to me." She said, seeming to pay more attention to the cooking she was doing than to Howard.

"What…"

"It's about his Dad." She explained.

"Oh."

"Apparently all the other little boys play football in the park with their Dads."

"Oh Emily…can I go see him?"

"You can try." She said. "But he's really very upset. You know, it was so much easier being his Mom when he was a baby…but now that he's got questions…how do I convince him that his Dad, a man who shares his name, who he's never met, would've loved him more than anything on earth."

"Well, I knew him too." He said. "I know how crazy Bob would've been for the little guy. I'll tell him too."

"Howard, we've been telling him his whole life. I just wish there were some way we could show him."

"Yeah, showing him would definitely do it."

"But, we can't show him…and he's so mad at me."

"Want me to talk to him about that?"

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know what's bothering him, I mean…I know why what I told him today is bothering him…but I don't know why he asks about Bob so much, it's not as though he doesn't have adequate male influence in his life, he's got both of his grandfathers, and Jerry, Mr. Carlin every once in an **odd** while…and you. He loves you."

"Yeah I…I love him too."

"I know you do Howard." She said, touching his cheek softly.

"Emily, I'll go and talk to him. But first…what did you tell him today that made him so upset?"

"Well, I think he's mad because he knows we haven't told him everything…do you think it's time that we do? I told him finally, that Bob didn't live to see him be born and that he didn't know I was pregnant…Howard….do you think he's ready to know what happened to Bob?"

…

"Mommy." Robbie said quietly, crawling into his Mother's bed later that night.

"Hi baby. You feeling better?" She asked, lifting the boy into her arms.

"Mommy, I'm sorry. I love you. Thank you for loving me Mommy."

"Oh angel…you don't need to thank Mommy for loving you. It's unconditional. I'll always love you more than you can ever imagine. And I always have. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Even better than Daddy?"

"Daddy's a different best thing. Because you know what, Daddy gave me you."

"I love you more than anything in the world too Mommy." He said, crawling into her embrace. She kissed his head softly and held him close to her.

"Oh that's my little boy! Robbie, you and Mommy do need to talk."

"About Daddy?"

"About Daddy. You see. I didn't get to tell your Daddy that I was going to have a baby. So angel, your quite right, he didn't know about you, but he did want me to have a baby someday, and he did know that when we had our little boy, his name was going to be Robbie."

"He knows my name!"

"That's right honey, he knows your name. We named you together, a long time before you were here." Robbie Hartley smiled at this.

"So, he loved me enough that he wanted me, and loved me even when I didn't exist."

"Yes. Very much."

"Oh Mommy that makes me feel better."

"I knew it would Robbie. And you know what, how about this. On Monday, you and Mommy will have a special lunch, so when kindergarten gets out, instead of going to lunch, you and I will go see your Daddy's office. Okay baby, would you like that?"

Robbie nodded enthusiastically at this as he crawled into his mother's bed.

"Good night sweetheart." She said, kissing his cheek.

"Good night Mommy." He yawned, closing his eyes and cuddling into the pillow that once belonged to his Dad.

Emily lye awake and watched her son sleep. She was terrified and couldn't believe she'd promised to take him to the office. She hadn't been there since she was six months pregnant. That visit was hard enough and she'd vowed never to go back there…


	9. Forgetting something?

Chapter 9- Forgetting something?

"Mommy!" Robbie screeched, running down the hall into his mother's waiting arms.

"Hi sweetheart. How's my baby boy?"

Emily hugged him and kissed his cheek softly. She'd been watching all the kindergarteners line up in little rows waiting to be dismissed. She had always thought they were so adorable, and for years she'd secretly longed to have one of her own. She couldn't wait to hug hers, now that she had one and was about to pick him up from school. Robbie hugged her tightly also. He didn't care if any of the other kids saw, or if the other boys decided to make fun of him and beat him up. He just wanted his Mom. Besides…his Mom was the vice principal, if anyone beat him up, they'd have to deal with her.

"Excited!" He replied.

"I knew you would be." She said, helping him to put on his coat and observing that his tiny shoes were untied once again. "Robbie, the shoes." She pointed out as she began to tie them.

"I'm trying Mommy, I'm trying."

"I know honey and you're doing a great job." She kissed his forehead and took his hand.

Emily had promised to take Robbie on a special lunch that day, which included a trip to his father's former office. Emily was nervous about taking him there. That's where it happened, after all. She didn't know if she'd loose it and she was scared about that. She hadn't been there since she was six-months-pregnant with Robbie, and now he was almost six years old. It had been a very long time. She knew that at least Carol and Jerry would be there for support if she needed it and that maybe their presence would distract Robbie from the sadness she knew would likely overpower her.

Emily held her little boy's hand tightly in her own as they made their way into the building. He hugged her leg as the elevator made its way slowly up to the seventh floor. She was upset and had hardly been able to touch lunch, even as she watched her son devour his. Would being in this place bring back painful memories she'd tried so hard to overcome? Would she be right back where she was…as sad and devastated as she had been during her pregnancy? She hoped not. That would be cheating her son out of a mother too.

"Mommy, it's okay." He whispered, she smiled down at him.

"Yes it is angel, yes it is." She said, holding his head in her hands. He didn't really know that he told his mother that every day just by being there.

Emily gulped, her brain and heart dropped to her stomach. She could vividly remember leaving, on this very same elevator, that horrible day. She knew her husband was gone, but could feel the baby deep inside her. He was the only thing, save Howard's arms, encircled completely around her body in a strong embrace that kept her from falling completely to the ground and once there, wanting to stay.

Emily thought she'd throw up when the elevator stopped at the seventh floor and the heavy metal doors slowly drug open. Grabbing her son's hand, she led him off the elevator and into the lobby. Emily looked around. Five years had passed and not all that much had changed. The office was still very…70's, honestly. She smiled to herself thinking that the office seemed paused in a time Bob would remember. In reality, it was almost 1983 and a lot had changed with everything. Her eyes went to Carol's empty desk, trying to evade the inevitable first gaze at Bob's office door.

Robbie was taken with the place immediately, only because he knew it had been his Dad's and looked around, trying to take in everything. Emily thought it was sad. If Bob were alive, Robbie would be so used to the place. Emily and Robbie said nothing as a woman rushed by them.

"Oh! Emily, Robbie!" Carol was shocked, turning back when she realized it was them.

"Hi." Emily smiled.

"Emily what are you doing here? Oh hi Robbie!" She said, hugging the little boy who had ran into her arms for a hug. She got up to hug Emily too.

"Well…Robbie's asking questions about Bob so…I thought that I'd show him the office." She explained.

"A-are you sure your ready Emily?"

"Y-yeah…do uh…do you have the key?"

"In my desk." Carol told her.

No one had ever rented the space. Carol kept the key in a special spot in her drawer. She too missed Bob very much. He was a close friend and advisor and nothing in her life was the same without him.

"Okay, you ready?" Emily asked her son as she took the key in her hand. Robbie nodded and Carol looked on as Emily and Robbie turned to finally face Bob's office door. "Oh! Carol…his name's still on there!"

"I know I uh…since no one ever rented it I never had the letters taken down…I just didn't have the heart…I like to look at them Emily." She admitted.

Emily just nodded.

"What's that say Mommy?" Robbie asked. Emily smiled.

"It says Robert Hartley, PHD." She told him. Robbie looked up, studying the door carefully.

"I don't know who phuud is," he met PHD, "but Robert Hartley is my Daddy."

"Yes honey he is." Emily giggled, sharing a small laugh with Carol as she unlocked the office door.

She could understand Carol's keeping the name on the door, she thought it was sweet, somehow all of this put her at ease enough to go inside the office. She slowly unlocked the door, imagining that the furniture would be gone, that she'd be overwhelmed with dust and bugs and shattered memories…but it wasn't like that at all.

"Bless you Carol." Emily whispered to herself once she shut the door behind her and Robbie.

Emily was quite right. Carol deserved credit for this. She used Bob's office as a private sanctuary when she needed to get her head together. It was a place where she and Jerry sometimes went to resolve a problem, have lunch…think about their friend: they knew Bob would appreciate it. And out of respect, for Bob, Carol kept the office clean. She also suspected that Emily would bring her son back one day and want to see it.

Emily looked around the office, watching as her little boy began to explore. She smiled…it was actually nice to be there. She wondered if she'd left anything behind before…like maybe another necklace…she was kidding about that, but wouldn't it be nice…or a book…even a scribbled on note about lunch with Jerry would've been enough for her…anything to make her feel like she could reconnect with Bob.

"Mommy what's this?"

"Well that's Daddy's chair. Where he'd sit and write and call people on the phone…and his desk." Emily explained, Robbie twirled around in the desk chair. Somber occasion or not…those were always fun. "And this big chair is where he'd sit and talked to people who needed help."

"Like Mr. Carlin?"

"Yes Robbie, like Mr. Carlin." She laughed. Robbie could already tell that Mr. Carlin was a little…eccentric. He himself had spent considerable time talking to Mr. Carlin about his problems and he was only five years old. "And over there is the couch where Mr. Carlin used to sit a lot." Robbie laughed at this. "And over there is…" Emily stopped. She'd come to the last thing…the bookshelf, which once housed the "Z"…it was below that, on the floor there, where it had happened.

"Is what, Mommy?"

Emily stopped for a moment and gulped, staring at the spot. Emily swallowed, still staring at it; she could feel her eyes grow overwhelmed with tears and sank down into the couch.

"Mommy?" Robbie asked. Emily looked up suddenly, noting that her little boy was scared now.

"Oh honey, come here." She said, reaching out for her son. He ran over to her and climbed on her lap. She held him tightly.

"What do you think?"

"Mommy…where is he?" He asked seriously. This shattered Emily. She buried her face in his dark brown head of hair and kissed him as she cried.

"Mommy….please don't cry." Robbie begged, wrapping his arms around her neck.

"Oh Robbie." She began, resting her forehead against his. "You know how…you really, really want to know Daddy?" She asked, her eyes were closed but she could feel him nod in acknowledgement. "Well it's really different for Mommy…she misses him…his smile, his sense of humor, waking up with him…she missed out on getting to take care of you with him…Mommy will be okay but she needs a few minutes."

"Okay." He whispered. "But Mommy where is he…what happened?"

Robbie logically knew his father wouldn't be in this office but…he guessed part of him thought that maybe he'd appear if they came to his special office place.

"Angel, did you think Daddy would be here?"

Robbie paused, not knowing the answer to that question…was it no, or sorta? He was confused now and buried his head in his Mom's shoulder.

"I don't know." He was overwhelmed.

"Well, whatever it is, it's okay sweetheart. Daddy would be happy that we came."

"But he didn't know about me." Robbie reminded, this was difficult for him to say or even think about.

"All the more reason that he'd be happy I brought you here. Robbie I'm sorry we haven't told you more until now. I think you have a point…that even if Daddy didn't know about you…there's no reason you shouldn't know everything you can about him…he'd want you to." Robbie smiled as she said this. "Come in." Emily said, when she heard a knock on the door.

"Just checking, is everything okay?" Carol inquired.

"Yeah Carol, we're just fine." She said. Emily noted that Robbie took out his toy train as she began to talk to Carol and started playing with it.

"Do the two of you want anything? Coffee, hot chocolate?"

"Yes, me please!" Robbie begged.

"Okay, go on with Aunt Carol…and uh…I'll take a hot chocolate too."

"No problem." Carol laughed, taking Robbie's hand. He dropped his toy on the floor and left with Carol, shutting the door behind him.

Emily took a deep breath.

"Oh Bob…he wants to know where you are. What do I tell him…how do I tell him?!" She said aloud and once again, more to herself than to anyone else. She sighed in frustration and leaned over to pick up her son's toy train off the floor.

It was then that Emily saw just what she'd been looking for…what was that…under the couch? She pocketed the train and reached out for the rectangular object, hidden just under the couch's edge…she'd thought she'd gotten everything five long years ago…how did this get here, was it Carol's? Emily decided, to open it up. She coughed as she swept off the cover…this was probably the one thing in the office that had been forgotten and covered in dust.

Emily flipped to the book's first page. She expected it to be a book of psychology essays long forgotten by everyone including her husband. Instead she was highly surprised by the inscription. It said: _Private Journal of Robert Hartley…_.well he'd certainly kept it well hidden. She flipped through it once, giving it a cursory glance for identification but not bothering to consume any of the words. It was his journal all right, his handwriting.

Emily was overwhelmed by this…what was he going to say to her in these few pages? She certainly hoped that she wouldn't read any complaints about their marriage: how bad the food was…that he had a secret family somewhere in Indiana…she didn't want anything like that to alter her memory of Bob and her memory was nothing but good…for the most part. Emily turned off the office light and shut the door behind her to go and retrieve her son.

"Where's Robbie?" Emily asked.

"Oh. Jerry took him to see a real dental chair."

"Oh!" Emily laughed, taking the cup Carol handed to her.

Emily stood there and talked to Carol for a while but she just couldn't get that journal out of her head. She hoped that he'd have something wonderful to say, maybe even something that could help Robbie. She decided that that night she and Robbie would read it together and that he could get to know his Dad though his own words.

"Oh there you are Robbie!" Emily smiled as Jerry brought her son back into the reception area. He carried the boy on his shoulders.

"Look Mommy, Uncle Jerry gave me a tooth brush…but I wish it was candy." He lamented as Jerry dropped him at his mother's feet.

"Nah Robbie, remember candy will rot your teeth out…" Jerry discouraged. Emily smiled. "I have to go. But remember, we do have that football game we're going to watch on Sunday, okay!" He enthused.

"Okay!" Robbie had been excited about this game for a couple of weeks now and he couldn't wait.

Jerry said his good-byes, hoping he'd distracted Robbie long enough to give Emily what he guessed was some much needed space in her husband's office. Carol left also, having been called down the hall by Dr. Newman…who she still hated.

"Mommy, what's that?" Robbie asked, tugging at the book she held.

"Mommy just found this…thanks to you. It's your Daddy's journal."

"Oh…what's a journal?"

"It's his diary sweetheart, where he kept his special, private thoughts."

"If they're private is it okay for us to read it?"

"I don't think Daddy would mind under the circumstances Robbie."

"Okay. Do you think any of the stuff he wrote is about me?"

"We'll see Robbie honey, we'll see. Either way," she began as they got on the elevator. "I think this will help you get to know Daddy."


	10. Take a second glance

Chapter 10- Take a second glance

Nothing had changed between Howard and Emily in the three and a half years since their kiss. If nothing else, you could say their bond of friendship had gotten stronger, and their life with Robbie was getting richer. Howard had had feelings for Emily but put them aside for Robbie's sake. The boy had already lost one father and Howard wasn't about to let him loose another, just because he was attracted to his Mother. So, he focused the majority of his energy on being a good Dad and trying his best not to also play the romantic lead in this story.

Howard became happier with this as the years happened by. His dates just got dumber and dumber and his time with Ellen Hartley became more like being with an old friend than a girl you loved…even though he did still love her. But he was comforted by the fact that Robbie loved him more than he thought anyone had ever loved him…even his own little boy. And even though they weren't married or dating, he thought Emily loved him more than Lois ever had…and that made him a little sad.

Howard still had a thing for Emily. And lately he couldn't get it totally out of his head. He knew she was lonely and finally ready to see other men again after almost six years…he was thinking of asking her out…just the two of them, without their little boy…But he was scared it would ruin everything good they had going. Nah, he'd let it go.

Howard yawned and scratched the back of his neck. He was barely awake but it was time to get up if he was going to have breakfast with Emily and Robbie. He walked out his front door and bent over to get his paper. Usually, he barely took a second glance at it before walking into Emily's apartment but this time the headline caught his eye.

"Oh no!" He burst. His heart began to pound. "They can't be serious!" He was outraged...Bob's killer was up for parole? How was he going to break this to Emily!

Howard folded up the paper and walked into Emily's apartment.

"Hi Uncle Howard!" Robbie cried, running into Howard's arms. Howard picked him up and kissed his cheek.

"Oh good morning! Did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah." He yawned.

"I'm sill tired too."

"What's in the paper?" The sleepy-eyed little boy asked.

"Nothing. Hey you know what, how about some cereal?" Howard offered.

"Mommy says we're having pancakes when she comes out…and I want them!" Howard knew Robbie was going to be insistent on this. He reminded him of his Aunt Ellen when he was insistent…it was weird.

"Okay, then we'll wait." Howard stuffed the paper in his robe pocket.

Robbie wondered why he wouldn't let him see the paper. Usually he would show him the front page…or at least find the funnies and read them to him. But today he hid it, and that told Robbie something was wrong…which, of course caused the boy to be even more inquisitive about what was going on.

"Hi Howard." Emily said. She was all dressed up…she looked…well beautiful.

"You look nice today Emily."

"Thanks." She blushed.

"Hey…Robbie, why are you still in your pajamas?"

"Because he doesn't have school today." Emily told Howard.

"Oh…"

"But I do."

"So uh…is this a boy's day Emily?"

"Uh-huh!" Robbie was excited. "I get to stay with you!"

"Okay, that sounds good." Howard smiled.

Inside he was worried. If that were the case, then how would he tell Emily? He decided the only way he could break the news to her was to do it early.

"Mommy pancakes please I'm starving!" Robbie begged.

"They'll be ready in a few minutes." Howard promised. "For now, do you think that you could go get dressed so we can go out?"

"Yeah honey, I think that would be a good idea too." Emily said, handing him a cookie to tide him over before breakfast. The boy was surprised but it influenced him to run to his room excitedly to get ready for the day. "And brush your teeth!" Emily called.

Howard raised an eyebrow. Why would she want to get rid of Robbie too?

"Emily, I have something to tell you I think you better sit down."

"What?" She looked alarmed. He grabbed her by the arm and led her to the couch.

"Boy this isn't easy." He sighed, pulling out the paper and handing it to her.

"They've got to be kidding!" She said, her heart began to pound in her ears.

"I-I know."

"This…it's wrong."

"I know. But what can we do?"

"Oh there's a lot I'm going to do about it!" She said, sounding very determined to him as she got off the couch and went to put her coat on. "Howard, take care of my son." She said as she slammed the door. "I'll see you…later."

…..

Emily wasted no time in going to the Prosecutor's office. This man couldn't leave jail for good behavior after only five years, he'd robbed a bank and committed murder! Good behavior in jail didn't exactly make up for that. She'd been under the impression that he'd gotten life in prison…with a possibility of parole in 2010…it was hardly 2010, that was for sure.

"We're trying everything we can Mrs. Hartley." The Prosecutor ensured.

"But….it just can't be. Is there anything I can do to help?" She asked him.

"Well…I suppose you could appeal to the governor and the parole board. You're the victim's family. That might help."

"Yeah…yeah I guess."

"And…show them your son."

"You expect me to bring my little boy into this? He's five years old and very sensitive about his father."

"Mrs. Hartley, you just illustrated it perfectly yourself: he killed an unborn baby's father…" The prosecutor stopped when he realized he was making Emily sad and uncomfortable…well more so than she already was. "Mrs. Hartley all I'm saying is that I really think if you talk about him and how this has affected his life….every one will think twice. Sometimes playing emotions rather than just the law works best."

"Yeah. You're right." She nodded. She understood and agreed with this totally. "You know…he's just like my husband." She reflected, biting her lip as she thought.

….

Emily stared into the falling snow as the train whisked her through the city. It was the first snow of the season, the intensifying fall weather, seemed to match her gloomy, yet determined mood. She would not let this happen. She could not let this happen. She was relieved when the train stopped a final time, bringing her home for the evening.

That day she'd been everywhere from the Prosecutor's office, to the prison and back to her own office to call the Governor. She was exhausted emotionally and on top of it, her feet ached.

She smiled, watching the scene before her when she entered her apartment. Howard was laying on the floor, holding Robbie high above his head, helping the little boy to pretend that he was an airplane. Robbie giggled like crazy at this, the thought of really being able to fly thrilled him.

"Okay, I'm going to toss you now!" Howard laughed, "ready: one, two, three! Oh there he goes up in the air!" Howard tossed Robbie up in the air and caught the little boy in his arms again as he fell back down to earth.

Emily smiled, observing them and their fun as she leaned her head against the door. They hadn't noticed her and she was happy they were making her smile. Maybe Robbie didn't have his real father but Howard was certainly a good replacement: the best she could've ever hoped to get not only for her son but for herself too. She couldn't deny that they were a family: the three of them. She thought back to that kiss they'd had when Robbie was a baby. She hadn't been ready then, but maybe she should've kept kissing Howard: found out where that went…After all, he loved her son as his own and shared in almost everything with her. And he wasn't unattractive to her, not at all. Spending the day fighting for Bob had made her sad and especially lonely in a romantic sense. So much so, that she briefly gave thought to asking Howard on a date a real one, without Robbie. In fact she wanted to…and she knew he wanted to.

"Hi guys." She smiled.

"Hi Emily!"

"Mommy hi!"

"Robbie, are you going to show Mommy what we made for her?' He asked.

"Yeah it's in the kitchen!"

"I can already smell it and I know it's going to be wonderful!" She praised.

Emily was so happy that Howard had learned to cook within the last couple of years. It met that she wasn't cooking every single meal even though they almost always seemed to eat at her dining room table and she was happy about that. Sure he was only all that good at making pasta, canned soup and frozen food…but it was something.

…..

"Mommy aren't we going to read Daddy's letters?" Robbie asked as his Mother tucked him into bed. He couldn't wait to read his father's journal and would've done it himself by now if he'd known how to read yet.

"Mommy wants to read them too." She began, turning on the music box that she played for him every night as he fell asleep. It played _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star_. "But we'll read them in a couple of days: promise. You can look forward to that." She was planning on reading them after this parole ordeal was over.

"Okay Mommy." He yawned.

"Good night my love." She whispered, kissing his nose and turning out the light.

"How'd it go today Emily?" Howard asked as she came back out into the living room. He'd just made them coffee and was about to sit down on the couch.

"Well." She said, joining them. "The Prosecutor is trying to keep him in jail."

"That's good."

"It's good but he wants my help."

"But you wanted to help."

"Yeah." Emily let out a deep breath. "But the thing is he wants somebody else's help too."

"Who?" Howard asked, thinking that he'd be happy to help.

"Robbie's." She said.

"What! He's just a baby!"

"That's what I said, but the whole day, I called the governor's office, went to see the parole board…and I have to bring my son into this. Apparently he'll be persuasive."

"Emily he can't tie his own shoes!"

"I know…"

"He can barely spell his whole name!"

"Howard I know! Look, it's not like I have to actually literally take him anywhere but I have to tell his story…and it'll be hard. And I don't want to violate his privacy or risk putting him in danger! I don't know what to do. With the exception of the, the whole Bob thing, he's a happy, normal little kid and I don't want to change that by having people know. Oh Howard. What do I do!"

"We'll get through it together Emily. I promise." Howard said, extending his hand to Emily. She took his hand in her own and squeezed it tightly.

"Howard…will you go out with me?" She couldn't believe she'd just blurted that out.

"I'd love to Emily." He smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

…..

Emily climbed into bed and hugged Bob's pillow tightly. In all these years, she'd never even washed the sham he'd last slept on…it was silly but, she just couldn't. She'd cuddled with it many times over the years when she especially missed him, just so she could fall asleep. And Robbie had done the same when he was most upset about the father he'd never met and wanted to be close to him.

"I'm fighting hard for you Bob…I promise he won't go free." She began. "And there's something else that I have to tell you that…" She was nervous, why was she nervous to tell something to a dead man? "Damn it Bob, you're making it hard for me." She said, her tears cascading freely down her cheeks. "I still love you…I'll always love you. And I promise that if things were different: if you were here I would never ever think about being with anybody else. I'd wanna be with you forever…I still do." She laughed. "We were perfect together. I miss your smile…and how we just understood each other…and how you used to hold me." She was deeply sad now, her reflections made her think twice about what she had to say. "But I have to let go. You're not here you can't even hear me…Bob. I'm going to go be with Howard now. He's helped me raise baby boy, and he's a great father to him, he loves your son like he was his own…and Bob…I think I love him too. Romantic love, love….he's been through everything with me, and he's not just my friend anymore, I can't deny that. I hope that you understand, that you don't think I'm betraying you….I'm just ready to face the fact that…I deserve a real partner: to love and console me like you used to…to hold me in his arms…but baby and I will always love you." She finished.

Emily then decided to pray that she was doing the right thing, both in moving forward with Howard and trying to keep her husband's killer in prison. Talking it all out with herself had helped but she needed direction and peace. She'd go before the parole board the next day and didn't fully know what to do with herself.


	11. This has passed

Chapter 11- This has passed

"Where are you going Mommy?" Robbie asked.

He sat on the edge of his mother's bed watching as she put on the last of her jewelry. He'd woken up to find her dressed and almost ready to head out the door. Emily smiled, drawing bittersweet strength from the sight of her sleepy eyed little boy sitting there in his cowboy pajamas, clutching his teddy bear and rubbing his eyes as he questioned her.

"Oh sweetheart." Emily began, bending down to talk to him. "Mommy has to go somewhere very important this morning."

"Can I go with you?"

"No sweetheart."

"What about school?"

"You're not going today."

"But it's school Mommy! I like school and you work there." He was disappointed.

"Yes sweetie but I'm not going to school today either."

"Well wherever it is it sounds like fun! Where is it, can I go?"

Emily had hoped he wouldn't ask this because she didn't know what to say and at the same time, she didn't want to lie to her son. She knew that he could sense her nervousness and was upset by it.

"No." She managed a small giggle and hugged him. He'd stood up on the bed so that he could hug her.

She took him into her arms and kissed his forehead as someone knocked on the front door. He was tired and comfortable in his mother's embrace, he didn't really want to her to leave him and wished that if they weren't going to school she'd stay and read with him…maybe she'd even decide to read his Daddy's letters to him. Emily put Robbie down on the steps and answered the door.

"Look Robbie it's Uncle Jerry!"

Howard had gone out of town unexpectedly. Emily was upset by this. It was the day she needed Howard most. Emily thought it was best that Robbie not go to school that day just because it was going to be such a difficult day. Having him safe at home in Jerry's care met something less for her to worry about.

"Hi." He smiled, brightening instantly. Uncle Jerry was the next best thing to Uncle Howard, but he'd still rather have Mommy.

"Hey Robbie. We're gonna have lots of fun today I promise…does that sound good to you?"

"Um-hum." The boy nodded.

"Okay Robbie." Emily grabbed her purse and got on her knees. "Mommy loves you she'll see you later." She kissed his cheek.

"I love you too Mommy."

"Bye Emily." Jerry said as he and Robbie walked her to the door. He wasn't showing it but he was nervous about what that day would bring too.

"Where's my Mommy going?" Robbie asked simply. He was worried about this but knew better than to badger her by asking repeatedly.

"Somewhere to help make sure that your Dad gets honored."

"What's that mean?"

"It means that she's going somewhere to go and make sure that your Dad is remembered in a way that is well…" Jerry didn't know how define the word so simply. "In a way that he deserves to be…in a respectful way. " That was a good way of explaining it, if this guy went free, it met society had no respect for Bob Hartley. "Because he was a wonderful guy."

"Oh!" He understood. "I honor my Daddy, cause I love him even though he's not here."

"Yeah." Jerry reflected. This made him sad. Emily should've taken him with her and let him do all the talking. He was cute and heartbreaking all at once. "So what do you want to do today?"

"You can come to kindergarten with me, that would be fun!"

"Oh no Robbie, I don't think they allow grown ups in kindergarten. But I do think this morning calls for cookies at breakfast, don't you?"

….

Emily Hartley never thought she'd find herself in prison. She'd spent the entire trip there doing her very best to concretely figure out what she was going to say. There was so much pressure on her and too much emotion swimming through her head and her heart. What if she messed it up? Or didn't say quite the right thing? She'd let Bob down if she did. And she could never do that. As a result she was nervous…and worse: she'd have to see him. The man who'd taken her husband's life so violently, and caused their son to never know his father would be sitting there right in the same room with her. It was almost two much to bear, which was why she hadn't eaten any breakfast: she was about to throw up.

Emily's heart jumped into her throat, pounding excessively as beads of sweat seemed to pour down her forehead. On top of it all she wanted to cry. Being here, in this cold, dark prison and having to talk about the murder, and her and Robbie's life after…it brought back all the raw emotion from that day, as well as chilling memories she'd tried to forget over the past few years.

Emily wore her necklace adorened very visably on her black jacket: she'd worn all black that day, it being one of the more solumn occasions of her life. Emily sniffled as she sat down to begin testifying…she hoped the tears wouldn't come just yet. She held Bob's diary in her hand. She took it with her for strength and solace: so she wouldn't walk into that room all alone.

She tried to think of her little boy as the proceedings began. What would he think about all of this if he knew? What would he think to say about the father he so longed to meet? The head of the parole board introduced her, but she didn't really tune in until someone said: "Mrs. Harley, you can speak now."

Emily decided to forget that everyone else was there and speak solely from the heart.

"Eight and a half months after my husband was murdered I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is the greatest gift I'll ever have, partially because he gave me a chance to look into his father's eyes again and say I love you. I never got to tell Bob, that I was having a baby…I often wonder if it would've changed anything about, about how he died…because he wanted to have a baby…and he never got to find out that he was going to be a Dad…" Emily sniffled as she began.

"My husband was the love of my life. I depended on him, I adored him, he was my partner in everything and my best friend…but realistically I can't be so selfish with my memories of him. I was just one of many who was honored enough to be one of his best friends: you have statements about Bob, and the day he was murdered, written from them all. I was his love, Jerry Robinson was his pal, Howard Borden was our best friend together as a couple, Cliff Murdoch was his best college friend and Elliot Carlin…well he was always just there." Emily decided to say. Even today there was no better way to describe Elliot Carlin's presence in their lives.

"Bob was there for everyone in his life. His patients needed him badly as a pillar of support in their lives and to this day, still tell me they miss him and they are more wayward than ever without his friendship…not just his professional help. He was trying to do the same for this man…to talk him through his problem, when he decided to kill my husband instead…

The murder and loss of my husband have been unspeakably devastating for me. But it's hardest for my son, who I first told about his Dad when he was only two or three…I think that for my little boy, whose five now, the hardest thing is his obviously unfulfilled desperation to want to know the man who gave him life, and who was just like him. My son carries his father's ecsense…he talks about his Dad every single day because he wants to learn more about himself. He asks me everything you could possibly ever want to know about Bob. I can't tell you how many questions I don't really know the answer to…and it always breaks his heart and mine…as a result of this man's actions I think a part of my son will always be crushed and perhaps a little bit missing because he longs for a father who once longed for him too…and I hate you for that more than almost any thing else." She found herself addressing Mel, the killer now.

"I'm here today to address the idea of my husband's murderer being released on parole after only five years and for good behavior. Good behavior?! Are you kidding me?" Emily's anger was rising out of her soul now. "This man, a thief mind you, took my son's father away…murdered him in cold blood! I heard it." Emily couldn't help it and began to cry now. Hearing it all happen: this was the part she hadn't wanted to remember and had tried to block out. "All the fighting and pushing and shoving going on in that office! All MEL because you wanted a hostage to get you away from that bank robbery charge! What was it worth it wasn't even armed robbery! You would've been out of jail in months!" Emily was sobbing uncontrollably now. "But no, you had to force him into trying to stay in that room with you. You had to punch my husband, so loud I could hear it on the other side of the lobby! You had to slam his whole body into a book case….watch all the books and everything fall on him and shoot him anyway you bastard!" Emily couldn't stand to relive this and was screaming out almost whatever came to mind. "And yet you might get let off for _GOOD BEHAVIOR_ you heartless son of a bitch! Bob will never get back to his family for _good behavior_ or any other reason. He'll never meet the son he wanted so much…the murder you committed out of greed cost him his life and mine too!

Nothing will ever be the same for me…my husband is dead, our life has been destroyed…but the only thing we cling to is the promise that there is still good in people, there's still justice…and there's always truth. The truth is that good behavior implies that you're a good person and you're not: you're a cold-blooded thief and killer!

More than almost anything, I don't want to have to explain who you are and why you're out of prison to my little boy…it would be too much for him to bear and he's already had to comprehend so much a little boy never should.

And as far as my husband and what's right for him: releasing this man now, means that he died in vain, it's the state telling everyone who loved and depended on him that his life didn't matter. He deserved to die in dignity and be remembered in honor." She was still crying now. "Because he lived an honorable life. His memory lives on in his son, and his namesake, and I don't want him growing up in a world where his father's murderer walks out of prison after five years for _**good behavior!**_ What kind of justice is that?! Hell how does that even happen, it's not even logical!_"_

"Mrs. Hartley it's okay. It's alright." Someone offered and handed her a tissue.

"No, no it's not alright! It'll never really be alright!" Emily sobbed.

"Mrs. Hartley, we just have a few more questions for you." She nodded and continued to dry her eyes.

….

Emily hoped that Robbie wouldn't notice she'd been crying when she got home. Today had been overwhelming and she was glad to get back to him.

"Hi Emily." Jerry looked up at her when she walked through the door. She looked tired and sad: he knew she'd been crying. He wondered if that meant she'd lost.

"Did you get my Daddy honored?" Robbie asked eagerly. He didn't notice his mother's mascara stained face.

"Jerry?" She asked, she was a little angry, having not wanted him to know where she was really going.

"I just told him you were going somewhere to make sure that his Dad continued to be honored: that was it…how did it go?"

"Yeah Mommy, how did it go?"

"Well…" She trailed off, looking down at Robbie. "It was a little hard on me, I had to remember some sad things but yeah: Daddy got honored."

Jerry smiled at this.

"Really Emily? That's awesome!"

"Robbie, could you, could you go in the other room for a minute: maybe get your coat and your boots on so we can go out, maybe for pizza."

"Okay!" He giggled he was excited by this and it made him forget most of the questions he had for her and run back into his room.

"So…did it really go okay?" Jerry asked.

"Yeah. He's staying in there: for a really long time. It wasn't really me: it was more of the prosecutor than me but…I at least got to say what I've wanted to say for so long…sort of…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm…I'm going to be fine, I'm sad but I feel good. I feel relieved. I feel free." She laughed. Jerry smiled at this.

"That's wonderful Emily." He knew what she meant, she could finally lye Bob to rest and move on.

"Hey would you like to join us…we're going to celebrate: pizza and a movie."

"Oh Emily I'd love to but I have a date tonight. Could be the one…you never know." He said.

Emily didn't totally understand why Jerry was still searching for the one. There were plenty of people out there who'd found their one and weren't nearly as great as Jerry.

"But how about this. Why don't you and me, and Robbie and Howard go to a movie next week: to celebrate."

"I'd like that." She smiled.

"Great. Bye Robbie!" He called.

"Bye Uncle Jerry!"

"Have a great date." Emily smiled.

"Thanks Emily and congratulations." He said as he shut the door.

"Mommy why does he always have a date?"

"Because he's looking for someone to spend his life with." She said as she began to tie his bootlaces.

"Like you and Daddy did, and how you do now with Uncle Howard?"

She was surprised by this…did he know about her and Howard? They'd kissed again the other night…it had felt weird at first, but she thought she really liked it: had he seen them? No he would've asked about it, probably right then and there. He must have just been referring to the observation everyone else had made before they decided to begin dating: that she and Howard already shared a life.

"Yeah…kind of." She said, not wanting to tell him too much just yet. "How about this sweetheart. Lets get our pizza and come back and watch a movie…"

"To celebrate getting Daddy honored?" He asked, taking her hand as they walked out the door.

"Yes, to celebrate getting Daddy honored."

"Can we have popcorn?"

"Of course. And after the movie…let's reconnect with your Daddy a little bit."

"You mean the diary."

"Yes I mean your Daddy's diary." She giggled, shutting the door behind her, now finally fully realizing that her life wasn't over.


	12. Letters to Emily

Chapter 12- Letters to Emily

Robbie was excited and ran straight into Howard's arms. It had been days since he'd seen him and he'd missed him. Plus he had exciting news for him. Howard placed his co-pilot's cap on the little boy's head and kissed his cheek.

"Oh my little guy, I missed you."

"I missed you more!"

"How could that be? I don't think its possible for you to miss me more than I missed you."

"You don't?"

"No." He laughed, kissing the boy's forehead again and putting him down. "Hey, where's your Mom and what's for dinner?"

Howard still ate dinner with them every night. Emily had once explained to Robbie that she and Bob had invited Howard over for dinner just once years before: and he just kept coming over and never stopped.

"Mommy! Uncle Howard's here." He yelled, still not letting go of his hand.

"Hi Howard!" She yelled in reply.

"Hey Emily…a lot seems to have changed over the last few days." He said, indicating hers and Robbie's change of mood. He still didn't know what happened at the parole hearing, but he figured it must have been good.

"We're having spaghetti." She began.

"Oh yay spaghetti! I love spaghetti it's my favorite!" He burst. Emily laughed as they sat down. "And you know what Robbie, spaghetti means we can play with our food!" Emily giggled and raised an eyebrow, she thought he was more excited about this possibility than actually eating the food.

"Uncle Howard, be serious, we have something to tell you!" Robbie was excited. Howard was puzzled and wondered what it could possibly be.

"Emily?" He asked.

"Well Howard. Remember when we went to Bob's office last week?"

"You did?" He felt totally out of the loop. Or maybe he's just forgotten.

"Yeah. And we found his journal under the couch."

"Bob had a journal!"

"Yeah!" Robbie burst. "And now we're going to get to find out what he thought about stuff. Finally after Mommy made me wait a week to see it and then another two days and I don't know why!"

Emily was about to interject, when Howard interrupted.

"Emily…you'll tell me what he thought of me!" Howard asked.

"And of me Mommy!" He said, even though he already understood that his Dad had no idea he was going to be born.

Emily smiled, thinking it was cute that both of them were so preoccupied with what Bob thought of them. On the inside though, she was tortuting herself. There were two reasons she'd made Robbie wait a week before they looked at it. First, there was that whole parole thing, and the fact that she and Robbie fell asleep on the couch the night they'd first planned to read it. But there were also her own insecurities. On one hand, she couldn't wait to read the diary, on the other, she was completely dreading it: she knew that the pages would hold total honesty and the truth about what Bob thought about her…the home they'd made together, their relationship, compatibility…love life…if he wasn't happy she didn't want to know it now. On the other hand, if he was as happy as she had been…well that would hurt her in a whole different way and possibly set her back again from being ready to move on…she didn't' want that.

…..

"Come on baby, let's look at Daddy's journal, huh?" She said.

She was excited. Over the past few hours, Robbie's own excitement had changed her outlook and she'd decided to think positively about this. She knew Bob had loved her. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have started the New Year with the suggestion that they have a baby and he certainly wouldn't have bought her a Christmas gift many, many months in advance.

Robbie crawled into bed with his Mom, barely able to wait for her to open the first page of the diary. Emily couldn't wait either. These were going to be her last words from her husband—almost six years later, and she hoped they'd be loving ones she could share with their son.

"What are we going to look at first Mommy, how about the beginning?" He suggested.

"No. There's something I want to see first." Emily opened to the end of the journal first, wondering what the last thing he'd written was. Perhaps he'd written a note to her at the end….perhaps _he'd _placed it under the couch for a reason she wasn't aware of.

"Oh Robbie!" She exclaimed, covering her mouth as she started to cry. She put her arm around the little boy and held him close.

"What Mommy, what?"

"Honey, remember how you were upset when I explained to you that I never got to tell your Daddy I was having you? And that he didn't know you were going to be born?"

"Yeah." He was sad again at being reminded of this.

"Well, this was the last thing he wrote:"

_April 6__th__, 1977: Emily and baby: don't forget, I love you. _

"Baby…is that me Mommy…I thought he didn't know."

Emily was quiet for a minute, it was clear to her that this was a last-ditch entry. The writing was definitely his, but it was hurried, scribbled even and not penned with care like the rest of his writing. He'd written this, just so they'd see it and know: just so he could say I love you one more time, and give their unborn son a promise.

"I didn't tell him." She said simply, not wanting to explain the observation of her husband's desperation. It made her want to throw up, then cry.

She'd never meditated much on what his last few minutes must've been like…she'd heard them. She could recount them as she did at the parole hearing…even with added emotion. But all that was enough to know. Until now, she hadn't thought much about his longings, fear or sense of desperation in those few minutes. Emily tucked these thoughts back into the depths of her heart turned back to the previous entry from a few days before. She remembered April 3rd vividly. It was when she first realized she was pregnant. She began to read:

_My Dearest Emily, April 3__rd__, 1977. _Emily stopped reading, why would he, entitle it My Dearest Emily…were they all like that? She flipped through the book, carefully looking at the introductions to the entries, many were like that and back at the very beginning he seemed to be practicing love letters to her…back when they were still dating. It was a big book but Emily was surprised to see he'd managed to keep the same diary for ten years. She was also curious about the writing, how was it that it was addressed to her, but clearly written more as a diary, not a letter to her? Much later, Emily would discover that Bob had dedicated his journal to her, and that he was going to give it to her as an anniversary gift, or a Valentines Day gift…essentially a big, long love letter to her, whenever it was that he happened to finish it.

"Mommy what's it say!" Robbie was desperate to know.

"Sorry honey." She continued. "_My Dearest Emily, April 3__rd__, 1977…"_

Emily could hear Bob's voice as she began reading the passage to their son:

_Emily is pregnant! She hasn't told me yet, but if she thinks she's hidden it, from me she's failed miserably. After all, she had a craving for strawberry ice cream and olives last night…you've got to be pregnant with cravings like that… but I've decided to just let her surprise me….and I can't wait to see how she's going to do it. But I hope it's romantic. And I know she'll make it special._

Emily sighed, she'd planned on making the announcement special. Knowing that he expected it lifted a huge burden from her heart.

"Ew!" Robbie burst upon hearing the word romantic.

"Robbie!" Emily laughed through her tears, "let Mommy keep reading:"

_All I know is we're going to have a beautiful baby boy: and trust me, it'll be a boy. I'm not a tremendously excitable guy, but I'm over the moon and I can't wait to tell Emily how overjoyed I am, how proud of her I am, what a beautiful mother she'll make and most of all: how much I love her. I can't wait to share our baby, with her. As for our beautiful son, I can't wait to teach him how to play ball, and ride his bike, but most of all…_

Emily choked on the next part.

_I can't wait to watch him draw his first breath, take him in my arms and tell baby Robbie Hartley how much I love him._

"Mommy! Did you hear that, he knew me! He knew I was a boy and he knew I

was coming and, and he knew my name!.. And Mama he loved me for me!"

Robbie was deeply touched, knowing now that his father knew who he was, that he existed as him: a baby boy named Robbie who would be born in mid-December, not some abstract nameless version of himself that may or may not have existed.

"See my darling, I told you he loved you." She kissed his cheek. Emily was touched too. She'd gotten to share her surprise with Bob after all. In that moment, she finally felt united with her husband and their son as a family: and it felt wonderful."Robbie, Daddy would've loved everything about his little boy. And I love everything about you too."

"I love everything about you too Mommy. Mommy, I don't understand."

"Hum?" She asked. She wished he didn't have questions because she was

about to start sobbing. But that was partially what all of this was for. Hearing Bob's

voice speak to her heart through these words had been so overwhelming. She'd

forgotten how wonderfully sweet he was when he was alone with her.

"What happened to my Daddy? Why didn't he see me if he knew I was in your

tummy and he wanted me so much."

"Oh Robbie, come here angel." She said, taking him in her arms. She took a

deep breath before beginning to explain. "Sweetheart. Your father was killed."

"By who?"

"By a man in his office." Emily swallowed, begging herself not to cry.

"Where we were last week?"

"Yeah." She whispered and nodded.

"Why would someone do that to my Daddy?" She observed a single tear

threatening to fall out of her son's eye.

"Mommy doesn't know." She admitted. "You see. The day before your

father was killed…we went to the bank."

Robbie was confused about this. What would the bank have to do with it? It

seemed like an interesting place. He'd been to the bank before, many times…but he

quickly took note that he was always with Grandpa when he went there. Mommy

never went to the bank. Neither did Uncle Howard…he wondered if this was why.

"We went to the bank." Emily continued. "Your father had something to do

there, and I wanted to get some money to buy a new dress, you know…one that I

could wear while I was expecting you…I was excited. Jerry and Carol were there

too….your Dad and I began to talk to this man in line. He seemed nice enough, he

was nervous and just ahead of us. And kind of without warning, he robbed the

bank." Robbie's eyes widened.

"Did he go to jail?"

"Yes sweetie. He's going to be in jail for the rest of his life…after what he did

the next morning." She thought it was important to emphasize this, incase he

worried about the bank robber coming back for them later and after what had

happened that past week, she now knew there was no danger of that happening.

"The next morning, your Dad went to his office and the bank robber was in there

waiting for him….he wanted a hostage and he picked your Dad…" Emily was

horrified by the look of terror in her little son's eyes. He was scared but

understanding what she was trying to convey to him. "Things didn't work out the

way he wanted and…"

Emily was crying by now, she didn't want to tell Robbie this part or any of it.

She wanted to rewind the five and a half years and burst into the office

herself…maybe her presence and her condition would've made some kind of a

difference somehow…or maybe she and Robbie wouldn't have made it either…but

she wished she would've fought for Bob…or tried.

"And he killed your Dad. That's, that's why your Daddy's not here, it's why he

never held you, never saw or got to touch the baby he wanted so much." Robbie

understood this and hugged his mother tighter.

"Mommy don't cry." He said, even as he himself had begun to cry.

"I have to cry a little right now Robbie. It's okay to cry. Look at the journal

honey…I'd forgotten just how sweet your Daddy could be. You see, I would've liked

to have heard him say that to me…that he loved me like that…and you and that he

was so excited I was pregnant…and the chance got stolen away. He loved us both

tremendously and don't ever forget it sweetheart."

Robbie smiled and hugged his Mom once again. She held him tightly and

kissed his cheek as she continued to cry. She thought this is what they called closure.

….

"Good night darlin. I love you." Emily whispered, brushing her son's cheek with a gentle kiss. Little Robbie was drifting off and was almost fast asleep, and she was tucking him into his bed.

Emily just sat and watched her baby son sleep. It had been an especially emotional day for her too. She'd been so elated to hear Bob's reaction to her news in his own words. She knew he'd be thrilled and had felt so guilty and so sad that she hadn't gotten to tell him her joyous news. Until now, she'd been unrepairably incomplete. Emily ran her fingers through Robbie's hair, noting how much he looked like both her and Bob: there was no getting around the fact that he was their son.

"Oh Bob…our baby's beautiful and I miss you." Emily whispered as she went to lye down in her own bed and began to cry.

Emily sobbed for the love she missed emotionally, intellectually and physically…she missed everything about Bob, especially their shared life together.

Emily couldn't sleep, and for some reason she lye there and thought about something she probably hadn't thought about since just after…what happened to Bob…Robbie's conception. It had been on a wonderful, romantic, stormy night in March, just six weeks before Bob was killed…. As a result, Robbie had been a Christmas baby, born on December 16th 1977, and the best Christmas gift Emily had ever recieved. She played with her necklace as she lye in bed, she still hadn't taken it off. The diary had revealed that it was not a Christmas gift as she had long thought: it was a baby gift. Emily thought about reading more of the journal but decided she wanted to savor it: she'd read a little every week.

"Mommy?" Robbie asked. He apparently couldn't sleep either.

"Yeah honey." She acknowledged as he climbed onto her bed.

"Are you okay?" He asked, seeming so little to his Mom in that moment. Like his Dad, he was such a brave, sweet guy.

"Yeah. Mommy's going to be fine." She smiled. "What about you?"

"I'm glad to know he really, really loved me…cause I really love him too. Do you think he knows that?"

"Oh yes honey…yes he does." She promised. "That's why his last entry," Emily thought maybe even his last breath, "says that…because he knows we love him back and we were the most important thing in the world to him." That was the conclusion she'd come to. "So…do you feel better about everything?"

Robbie nodded. "Can we play football tomorrow?" He asked.

"Absolutely honey."

"Mommy?"

"Yeah honey."

"I'm so sorry I said those things about you being a girl and not wanting to play football with you because you're a Mommy instead of a Daddy." Robbie realized that his Mom did the best she could, with Howard's help, two be a good Mom and a good Dad.

"It's okay honey, you want to play with Uncle Howard or Uncle Jerry?"

"Maybe later, but right now, I just want to play with you Mommy."

"Oh you do!" She giggled, kissing his forehead.

Robbie lye awake after his mother tucked him back into his bed and stared at his Dad's picture. He was happy to know he was so loved and so wanted by his father. It lifted a load off of his little five-year-old heart. He took the picture off his nightstand and hugged it tightly.

"I love you too Daddy." Robbie whispered. He cuddled up with the old picture and fell asleep.


	13. Enter Romantic Lead

Chapter 13- Enter Romantic Lead

"Emily why me?" Howard questioned.

They were on their first date alone, at a somewhat romantic resturant. Both were nervous-excited…kind of like teenagers. It was weird, they used to spend so much time alone, back when Bob was alive and they were just friends…and now that they were raising Robbie together they didn't get as much alone time as they once did: they were always with him.

"What do you mean why you?" She giggled. There were many answers and she thought they were obvious.

"Well…why me instead, you know instead of some other guy…there are a lot of other guys out there. I mean, don't get me wrong…I'm thrilled it's me!" He decided to be blunt. "Emily I…I've really had a thing for you for a long, long time."

"You have?" She smiled. He was surprised, thinking that she'd be offended or put off.

"Yeah uh…I was worried that you'd meet some guy…he'd sweep you off your feet…and he wouldn't be nearly good enough for you, when I was here, and all I wanted to do was make you happy and love you."

"Oh Howard. You're so sweet! I love you too." Her comment made him blush a little. "I-I wasn't ready for another man until now…and I chose you because I don't want anybody but you."

"You don't?"

"No! Look Howard, I don't want to date endlessly looking for the right man when I know he's already right in front of me. I don't want to settle for less than, I need someone who loves my son, who understands that I'll always be in love with Bob." She had to say that because if she didn't she knew they couldn't move forward in an honest relationship. "And most of all Howard…I love you. We already share so much, and besides if you haven't noticed…we already have a life together…we have a child together, that's more than Bob and I had….and I like my life with you. I like being with you. We're good together…I just think maybe it's time to add a little more you and me time to it. After all, you've made me smile on my darkest days."

"Emily." He blushed. He was touched by all of this.

"And you aren't bad looking either." She teased.

"That's exactly the way I feel about you. You and Robbie gave me family again. Family that appreciated and respected me even though I know I'm sometimes not the sharpest tool in the shed." Howard admitted. Emily smiled and reached for his hand. "And don't worry Emily…I understand that you'll always love Bob. I'll always love him too."

"I mean…if we…ended up together….I don't want you thinking that there are any comparisons: that I'd take Bob back if he were here or that I love him more than you…or that I'm comparing him to you…no Howard I love you for you and for what we share and what we will share. And your sharper than you know." He was emotionally intelligent in a way most people weren't and it counted for everything. Ellen and Lois, Howard's ex-wife, never appreciated that and it made Emily realize how blessed she was.

"I understand about Bob. And you're right…we are good together."

"Well…where are we with this…I mean you and I just realized we're a couple and I think we probably should've noticed a long time ago."

"Yeah. I agree. I mean…I've been taking care of you and you've always taken care of me. Of course we should be together."

"Well there was that time you kissed me." She recalled. "I'm just sorry I cried….told you I cheated on Bob. I liked your kiss Howard: a lot."

"Me too." He said, she giggled.

"Will you forgive me?"

"Forgive you! Emily there's no reason for me to have to forgive you. I know all you've been through: probably better than anyone. It's perfectly normal that you weren't ready. And it wasn't just that your husband died: he was murdered and you went through that whole scary thing of pregnancy by yourself…that's not easy."

"Yes, but I don't know what I would've done if I wasn't pregnant. I live for Robbie: you know that."

"He made it easier for me to go on too…how are we going to tell him anyway?"

"About us?"

"Yeah."

"Well on one hand I say, hey: he sees you as his father anyway he loves you so what's the big deal…on the other I worry that he'll be upset. I'm afraid he thinks that maybe Bob can come back. I'm not really all that sure. And I'm afraid that maybe he'll be upset about sharing me…and you too."

"How so?" Howard asked.

"Well if we're a couple. All our time won't go to him anymore. We'll need alone time."

"Hey that's right. But he's a diplomatic little guy. He'll understand."

"Oh I sure hope so." Emily wouldn't want Robbie to think that he was loosing her too.

"That reminds me…we still haven't decided: where are we in this relationship?"

"Well let's see…we already share everything: we're raising a child together, we eat almost every meal together, we share living expenses, we're best friends."

"Makes us sound married." He reflected.

"I think we really like each other." She said flirtatiously.

"We've gotten to second base!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" She asked, not wanting other people in the restaurant to hear that, and worse she was worried her son may have witnessed it while they were on the couch the other night and he was supposed to be asleep.

"Well…we know now that we've got chemistry." He offered.

"That's true. So…what are we?"

"Boyfriend and girlfriend I guess but…Emily, do you think you'd ever want to be more than that?" He wanted to know this going in to the relationship. Howard wanted to be married again, and he'd been so hurt about Ellen putting off their engagement so many times. He couldn't do that again. Besides…he felt like there was more to this relationship than just being boyfriend and girlfriend.

"You said it, it's like we already are…married." She reflected. "Let's date for a while. But um…since you suggested, if you're open to it: I'm open to it."

"Open to what…oh getting married! Yeah." He smiled. "I'm definitely open to it."

"Oh Howard. I'd love to." Emily thought it would be wonderful to be married to a man she loved again. "I just want one thing."

"What?"

"If I eventually become Mrs. Borden, Robbie has to stay a Hartley."

"I agree completely." Howard totally understood her motives for doing this. They'd spend too much energy letting the boy know he was a Hartley and that his father loved him. Besides, Robbie was Bob's legacy, pretty much the only thing he left behind in the world to let it know that he was ever there. Howard, being the parent of his own namesake, would never want to take that away form his friend, even in death. "So, do we want to think about…getting married then?" He asked.

"Yeah." Emily smiled, nodding excitedly. She couldn't believe it either.

….

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" Robbie was ecstatic to see his mother and Uncle Howard walk in the door. He ran into her arms and she picked him up.

"Oh hi sweetheart. Did you have a good time?" She asked, she kissed his forehead and brushed his hair out of his face.

"Yeah. Mr. Carlin and I talked about his childhood and the new building he's building while we played with my building blocks."

"Blocks oh those are always fun." She said, putting him down. Robbie excitedly went back to the little city he'd been building by the patio.

"Yeah. Thanks for your help kiddo, now I know why I became a real estate tycoon." Mr. Carlin said, rubbing Robbie's head. Robbie laughed. He thought Mr. Carlin was a little strange at times, but he was also hilarious and went well out of his way to be nice to him. "Night Mrs. Hartley, night Borden."

"Thank you Mr. Carlin." Emily said as he left.

"He's fun to play with but he's delusional." Robbie said as his Mom shut the door. Emily laughed, she sometimes wondered where he got these things and wondered if Bob had been as cerebral as a small boy as Robbie sometimes could be. "Where did you go?" Robbie asked. Emily and Howard exchanged glances when he asked this.

"Robbie honey, uh…Mommy and Uncle Howard have something we want to talk to you about."

"Okay."

"Can you come sit with us on the couch?" Emily inquired. The boy dropped the building blocks he'd been playing with over by the patio door and ran to his mother and Howard. Emily lifted him into her lap and kissed his temple.

"Okay honey…" Emily began.

"Now, I want you to be totally open and honest Robbie, about what we have to say. We love you no matter what, please tell us what you think."

"Okay." He hesitated.

"Honey you understand that Uncle Howard and Mommy aren't, aren't married and uh…aren't a couple like Daddy and I were, right?"

Robbie nodded, wondering what this had to do with anything.

"Well Robbie. Uh…your Mom and I've decided to uh…change some of that."

"What we mean is Robbie. Uncle Howard and I think we want to date each other…maybe become a couple." Emily finally conveyed.

Robbie smiled and sighed.

"Oh is that all! I've been wondering when this was going to happen."

"Y-you have?" Howard asked, Emily was surprised too.

"Yeah ever since I could remember like back when I thought you were my Daddy…I always wanted you to be."

"Oh honey." Emily felt bad.

"Yeah. I was always afraid you'd meet a man, Mommy that wasn't Uncle Howard and marry him."

"What!" Howard burst…that was what he had been worried about too!

"Oh honey." Emily was saddened by this and had no idea that this burden had been on her son's heart.

"Why Robbie?" Howard inquired.

"Cause then I'd loose my Daddy two times." He said, leaning over and hugging Howard.

"Oh angel!" Hearing his little voice say that was like a knife to Emily's heart. She was crushed.

"Robbie I love you, I'm not going anywhere." Robbie smiled at this. "No matter what happens with me and your Mom, if we date, if we don't date, if it doesn't work out…if I marry her…"

"Which, we think we might." She added.

"Whatever it's going to be…I'll always consider you my son."

"And Robbie…Mommy will never interfere in your relationship with Uncle Howard…and besides…I don't think that, there's anything to worry about…I think our relationship will work out just fine." She said, smiling at Howard. She at that moment, really wanted to kiss him.

"I don't see where there's going to be a problem." He agreed, sensing her desire and really wanting to reply to it. He'd been waiting for days to kiss Emily again and knew that tonight he'd finally get his chance. He'd known Emily was the one for a long time and he kind of felt guilty…Howie, after all, had wanted him as his stepmom clear back when he'd first met Ellen and now that would probably happen.

"So you might get married?"

"Yeah." Emily admitted. "What would you think of that?" She asked carefully.

"I'd like that, so Uncle Howard can be my real Daddy."

"That's right but honey."

"Mommy, can I call Uncle Howard, Dad again? Even if you don't get married." He hadn't called him this in several years, but remembered when he called Uncle Howard, Dadda.

Emily was surprised by this but approved.

"Yeah…if it's okay with Uncle Howard."

Howard sniffled as tears came to his eyes.

"Y-you really want to?" He was touched. Robbie nodded. "I'd be glad to have you call me Dad again."

"Can I still love my…" He didn't know how to say it…was it real Daddy…Robbie wanted very much to call Howard Dad, because he loved him and loved being his child, and wanted to be able to call someone Dad…but at the same time, he didn't want to disconnect from the man that had given him life and whose name he shared…he loved him too. "My other Daddy." He decided.

"Oh of course sweetheart!" Emily thought she was going to cry. No matter how much she did love Howard, there was a part of her that would always want to be with Bob and wish that she could see Bob and Robbie together, even just once.

"Of course, we'd never want you to forget him…we're never going to forget him either. I loved your Dad too Robbie. He was my best friend…and I love that I can see him in your eyes." Robbie was pleased with this and grinned from ear to ear.

"So if I call someone else Dad, he'll still love me?" This was the root of the boy's concern when he thought about it.

"Honey. Your Father would love you no matter what. Don't forget that. And so everybody feels good about it: how about Howard is Dad, and your Father is Daddy. Do you like that?" She asked. He nodded. It seemed very smart to him and he thought his father would agree…under the circumstances that is.

"So, are you okay with all of this?" Howard asked again.

Robbie nodded.

"It's late." Emily said. "Mr. Carlin kept you up way passed your bedtime."

"He put me to bed. He read me a story from this big newspaper about money. It was real boring but just kept me awake." Robbie yawned.

"Uh-huh." Emily laughed, noting that Mr. Cariln had left The Wall Street Journal on her coffee table…at least he tried to teach Robbie valuable things: it was one of the reasons she kept him around.

"Mommy, Dad…I have a question."

"Okay Robbie we're all ears." Howard said. Emily nodded in agreement.

"Can I have a baby brother?" He asked.


	14. A toast to good changes

Chapter 14- A toast to good changes

"Why does he want a little brother when he's got Howie?" Emily asked after Robbie had fallen asleep.

"Oh come on Emily, what's wrong with it?" Howard wanted to know.

"You want to have a baby with me?" She raised an eyebrow somewhat upset, slightly intrigued and a little tiny bit excited. It was nice to know he would want to share that with her…even though he already pretty much did in Robbie.

"I don't know…it, it might be nice….we could have a girl. I'm not saying I want to…just what's wrong with the idea?"

"What's wrong with the idea is that I'm too old!"

"What how old could you be?" He honestly had never been sure and always wondered, even attendance at a couple of her birthday parties and being with her when she had a baby had not given him a clue as to her age.

"I'm 42."

"That's not too old."

"No. But it's close. It took Bob and I seven years to get pregnant with Robbie and so, it if took us seven years then yeah, I would be too old…and I doubt he'd want a baby brother by then cause he'll be too old and he won't care anymore."

"Yeah I guess you're right: see we need to talk about these things. Wanna know how old I am?" He asked excitedly.

"46." She told him.

"How'd you know?" He was disappointed.

"Saw it on your drivers license when we had to show that cop Howard."

"Oh." He was embarrassed.

"Oh honey don't. It's alright." She laughed, kissing him softly.

"Honey…I like it." He laughed. Emily smiled, she thought he would.

"And ooh a younger man! Bob was older than you." She gushed.

"He was?!"

"Yes. And I'm sorry…I promised I wouldn't make comparisons."

"It's okay. I understand…besides it's nice to hear about him. I told you I loved him too, in a totally different way…I miss him." Emily smiled. "Besides…it's not as though I don't think about qualities of Lois' and Ellen's when I'm with you…."

"What happened there anyway?"

"With Lois?"

"With Ellen." She knew what happened with Lois.

Howard took a deep breath.

"I loved her. And I think she loved me too but…she just didn't want to make a commitment." He was sad as he reflected on this.

"I know." This is what Emily had thought. "I can't understand that about her. Who wouldn't want to commit to you if they had the chance, hum?"

Emily would always love Ellen, but now that she was the one in love with Howard and about to marry him, she was offended at her former sister-in-law's rejection of this wonderful man and thought she was stupid and selfish for it.

"I'm glad to know you think that." He smiled and kissed her again.

She smiled through their kiss. It was nice to be in love like this again and brought a kind of joy to her heart she hadn't felt in years now. Emily felt Howard reach around her and unhook her necklace…a funny thing to unhook first, she thought. Maybe not: it was Bob's necklace.

"Um Howard…Howard…stop."

"What?"

"Robbie." She gasped, grasping for an acceptable excuse.

"So what we'll be married soon anyway. He can see me kiss his mother."

"I know…but we aren't yet…" She thought, by the way he removed her necklace, that there was more going on in his head than simply making out.

"I understand…Emily uh…"

"You know what he likes to do? He comes in bed with you in the morning and wakes you up: he's been doing it since he could crawl. We have to be careful."

"I understand Emily, and where are we going to live?"

"When we get married?" She asked, as he handed her necklace back to her.

"Yeah." He'd been meaning to bring that up and she'd been hoping he wouldn't. "I mean you can't live with me. It's a one bedroom, no den. No place for a kid. And what about your bedroom?"

"What about it?" She asked, putting her necklace back on.

"It's Bob's." He reminded.

"Yeah." She'd considered this but wanted to act as if she hadn't.

"Emily: I know you've gotten passed some stuff and you love me." She smiled. "But I don't for a second believe that you are ready to move out of the home you shared with Bob. You love it here: heck, I love it here Emily. And I know that you don't feel comfortable sleeping with another man in his bed, in his room. In a place where you and he…"

"We've slept together before Howard."

"Emily you know what I mean…and that's not what I mean. I mean grown up "sleeping."

"Shu!" Emily cautioned. "Howard." She began, placing her arms around his neck. "Whatever I feel: I love you. And I promise we'll work it out."

"I love you too Emily." He smiled, glad to accept her promise: they would work it all out. "And I hate to say it Emily…but I have to…how do you know it would take you seven years to get pregnant…ever consider that maybe that was Bob and not you?" Emily thought this was a good point but didn't acknowledge that.

"Look." She said. "If it happens, it happens. But I'm not rushing into it."

"Works for me."

…..

"Dad, I don't like jewelry!" Robbie protested, holding Howard's hand has he dragged the little boy down the street.

"It's not you it's for your Mom silly." Howard said, suddenly picking up the little boy and placing him on his shoulders.

Robbie shrieked and giggled. He loved being on Howard's shoulders and felt so tall up there. Howard didn't mind that the boy hugged his head tightly. He was so tiny and easy to carry around.

"What are we getting?"

"An engagement ring for your Mom."

"What's that and what does Mommy need it for?"

"It's a ring I surprise her with when I ask her to marry me."

"Oh! Like that one of Daddy's she wears on her necklace."

"Exactly."

"Will she wear that one on her necklace too?"

"No." He began, growing uneasy with each reminder of how his fiancé still wore her first husband's ring. "She'll wear it on her finger. She wore your Daddy's ring on her finger when he was here and when you were very small."

"Oh." He sort of understood.

This conversation made them both somewhat uneasy. It made Robbie wonder just how much his father's memory would be pushed out of his life. Would Howard's picture have to replace Daddy's on his bedside table? He didn't need to hug Howard's picture as he went to sleep…but he needed Daddy. The idea made Robbie almost start crying. He looked up and noticed they were passing that big building where his father used to work….he wanted in the worst way to rush up the stairs and crawl into Aunt Carol's lap and talk about this. She often comforted him when others couldn't: even his mother.

Robbie swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling Howard's hair in his hands and remembering how much he loved and trusted the man currently carrying him on his shoulders. He sighed, kind of sadly and rested his chin atop his adopted father's head trying to rationalize that idea that he would never push his Daddy out of his life.

At the same time, Howard also noted that they were passing Bob's office. Robbie's mention of Emily's necklace, which held a picture of Bob as well as both of their wedding rings made him sad and scared: was she really in love with him at all? Did she really want to marry him: she hadn't taken the necklace-ring off: ever and he was beginning to think she wasn't ready for this like she thought she was.

…

"Mommy." Robbie said, rubbing his eyes as he came in and stood beside his mother who was working at the desk. It was late at night and he'd already been put to bed over an hour ago.

"Robbie! Honey why are you crying?!" Emily was distraught and took her son into her arms as huge tears ran down his cheeks.

"I don't want to get rid of Daddy!"

"Honey what?!" Emily was upset by this.

"If you marry Uncle Howard, do I have to replace my picture of Daddy with him?" He asked, his deep blue eyes growing huge at this thought, causing the tears building up in them to cascade down his cheeks in an even larger volume. Emily noticed he was so upset that he'd changed Howard back from Dad to Uncle Howard. She decided to play along for now.

"No! Honey. Uncle Howard and I want you to know as much as you can about Daddy. He's your Daddy. You're what he left to the world. He had the same eyes as you: the same name…and so much else. No one is taking Daddy away anymore than he already has been taken. I promise. In fact, when we get married. Mommy's going to have a new name, she'll take Uncle Howard's…." She began.

"You won't be Emily anymore you'll be Howard!"

"No." She laughed. "No I won't be Emily Hartley any more. I'll be Emily Borden." Robbie looked shocked at this and hurt too. "And you'll stay Robbie Hartley, because of Daddy."

"Is it because you don't want me to be a Borden with you guys?"

"No. It's because you are a Hartley. It's the name you're supposed to carry on by birth." She explained. Robbie looked at his mother quizzically. "What I mean is that….sons carry on their father's names and so even though your blood one isn't here you're going to take his name. It's a bond between the two of you: your Daddy and you. And you'll keep it out of respect to him and to your grandparents and out of the love that you and I will keep for Daddy. We wouldn't want you to forget who you are Robbie."

"So if I get my little brother will he be a Borden or a Hartley?"

"He'll be a Borden."

"So only me? I feel left out." He was sad.

"Honey you're not left out: you're very special to Mommy. The most special thing in her world. And she's always going to feel that way about you: no matter what happens, who comes into her life, how big you get."

"So why are you leaving me alone in my name?"

"Because when a lady marries a man, she takes his last name."

"So Hartley isn't the last name you had when you were little?"

"No." She laughed. "I got the name when I married Daddy. Mommy's name is Harrison."

"That's confusing."

"I know. But you know what. What if I have a hyphenated last name."

"A hyphen-what?"

"Two names put together. What if I become Emily Hartley-Borden."

"I'd like that." Robbie smiled.

…

"Bob. I know I promised you I'd never take this off. But it's time. You want your little boy and me to move on and live happy, normal lives, right? I know you do. It's time for us to move on. But we love you. And I promise we'll always love you, remember you: and be your wife and child. Always my love.

Oh….and that's the other thing Bob. I'm marrying a man we both love. I hope you're okay with that. He's the best man I could find to fill your shoes. I think I've told you before: he's a great Daddy. And lately, I've found out that he makes me happy in so many other ways." She giggled.

Howard smiled at this, he could hear this from the living room. She didn't know he was there just yet.

"I love him. And he's going to be my husband. He takes care of me and I of him. We'd be lost without him Bob…so it's only right that I do this. He'd be lost without us too. And it's not right…it's perfect."

Emily took off her necklace and opened the locket, looking at Bob and Robbie's pictures.

"Oh my boys. My beautiful boys." She said, closing the locket and kissing it. Emily opened her vanity drawer and deposited it inside. "I love you sweetheart. Nothing will ever change that." She said, wiping a small tear from her eye.

Sometimes she still had a hard time believing Bob was gone. She sniffled as she walked back into the living room, feeling like something was missing without her necklace.

"Howard!" Emily was startled. She almost screamed and put her hand over her heart.

"Sorry Emily." He took her in his embrace.

"Did you hear all of that?" She wondered.

"Yeah. You talking to Bob it was really beautiful."

"You think?" She smiled.

"Yeah it was."

"You don't mind?"

"Never." He promised, she smiled.

"I really enjoyed our dinner the other night." She said.

"Me too. I wanna take you out tomorrow."

"I'd love to go but where are we going to find someone to watch Robbie on such short notice?"

Short notice was how she ended up with Mr. Carlin as a sitter instead of Carol or a former student of hers named Sally who lived downstairs and was a high school sophomore now.

"How about Martha?"

"Bob's Mom oh Howard I don't know. I've never really let her know when I was dating and never had her watch Robbie during that time…it always felt kind of disrespectful."

"Disrespectful, Emily you just told Bob!"

"Yeah but he can't hear me: I know that. And besides, even if he could he'd take this so much better than she would."

"Yeah you might be right." He considered. "But she's going to find out eventually. I wouldn't be surprised if Robbie hasn't already told her."

"Yeah that's true."

"And plus after a while, don't you think she'll notice we're married. You have to tell her."

Emily took a deep breath.

"Here, Emily. Emily why are you afraid to tell her?"

"I'm afraid she'll find a way to take my baby away." She admitted. Howard burst out laughing.

"Are you kidding! She doesn't have the legal means to do that Emily…and besides it's not like you're marrying some jerk, it's just me! She loves me!"

"That's true too." She considered.

"You need to tell her."

"Okay. I'll tell her when Robbie and I go over there tomorrow."

"Perfect. Now why don't we get comfortable, sit on the couch; pour a little wine…make an evening out of it! I have something for you."

"You do!" She was surprised.

"Yeah…it's the kind of thing that I would've rather taken you somewhere special to give you but I want you to have it now." He said.

"Okay. I'll get the wine." She giggled as she went off to the kitchen. She was excited. It had been a long time since anyone had arranged a surprise for her.

Howard was nervous. How was he going to do this without her noticing?

"There." Emily said, bringing two wine glasses and sitting back down next to him. "I hope you like it. It's not what we usually drink: but I thought it would make a nice change."

"Sometimes changes are good." He offered.

"Yes they are." She smiled kind of seductively as she sipped her wine.

"How about a toast?"

"Sure."

"To good changes."

"To good changes." She smiled.

"And the wine it is good Emily."

"So what's on your mind?"

"Huh?"

"I know you're thinking about something."

"Just that I would like to kiss you." He offered, yes that was a convenient lie. He wouldn't mind kissing her: but it wasn't at all what he was thinking about.

"Howard of course you can kiss me." She'd really grown to like that.

She put her wine glass down as he moved in to kiss her, averting her full attention to how he caressed her lips. She hadn't been kissed like this in years either and was relishing it. It was as though he was kissing her with more respect, or seriousness or perhaps appreciation than he had in the past and she wondered why.

He wrapped his arms around her and she could feel him grab her hand, slipping something gently onto her finger. As dim-witted as Howard could sometimes be it was amazing to her how perfectly he was able to pull off things that were romantic: it was like when love was concerned he became a different man and it was weird.

"Howard what….oh, it's beautiful!" She exclaimed, looking down at her hand.

"I thought you might like it."

"Like it, I love it!" She sniffled, she was crying softly.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?" He reached over and dried her tears.

"Nothing's wrong it's just perfect that's all." She smiled. "Is this for what I think it's for?" She didn't see why a man would give a woman a good sized, perfectly cut diamond for any other reason than a marriage proposal.

"Of course! I figured we should make the engagement official. I want to marry you and I want everyone who sees you to know that I love you. So. Will you do it?"

"Oh yes Howard. Yes of course I will." She said, grabbing his face and kissing him deeply.  
Emily woke up the next morning, noting that there was an arm wrapped around her waist, held there securely by her ring-covered hand. She immediately realized they must have fallen asleep while kissing….the question was, who put the blanket over them? Whoever it was, the apartment was freezing and it was snowing outside. She was thankful to have been kept warm all night. She kissed Howard once more, in the hope that it would wake him up. He must've been the one to cover them as soon as she drifted off.

"Mommy." She looked up to see Robbie. He was rubbing his eyes and still clearly very tired.

"Hi sweetheart." She tried to act calmly, she wasn't sure if he'd ever seen her kiss Howard before.

"Why'd you sleep on the couch?"

"We were uh…talking and we fell asleep."

"I got up and found the light on and put a blanket over you."

"Oh honey that was very sweet. It's early do you want some milk?" She asked, running her hand through his hair.

"No I want to go out and play." He said. Emily laughed.

"Honey, it's snowing. We're not going out to play right now. But go get dressed. Because you and I are going somewhere else this morning."


	15. Till death do us part

Chapter 15- Till death do us part

"Oh you're wearing it!" Robbie noted excitedly.

"Wearing what?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The ring Dad bought and I helped pick! He said it was for getting married."

"Oh you helped?"

"Yeah. and it looks pretty on you Mommy!" He squealed.

"Thank you sweetie." She said, marveling, as she did every so often, on how sweet her son was.

"What else do we need?" He asked as she put his scarf on.

"Well…they often say you need something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue." She said. Robbie's eyes grew huge at this.

"Uh-oh! Mommy you've got a problem. I don't think I'm any of those things."

She laughed at this.

"Oh honey it's alright. You can help Mommy find other things." She said, kissing his forehead.

"Mommy where are we going?" Robbie asked, as she zipped his big blue puffy coat. It was Thanksgiving time and freezing outside.

"First we're going to Grandma's for you to play and for us to talk about some things." She said.

"Like Thanksgiving."

"Yes." She paused. "Like Thanksgiving."

In actuality, Emily was also going to her in-laws to break the news about her engagement. She'd decided to wear her ring there and show it to them. She hoped they'd understand and not hate her or want to take her son away….they liked Howard, right? He was almost going to be their son-in-law anyway, but their daughter had rejected him. They'd have to understand why she was doing this.

Robbie was excited to get to his Grandparent's house where he spent a lot of time.

"Hi sweetheart." Martha Hartley smiled, hugging Robbie tightly.

"Hi Grandma." He said as she began to take off his coat.

"Robbie, there are cookies and milk and your Grandfather waiting in the kitchen….could you go and see him for a minute?" She asked sweetly, acting as if this were some kind of chore rather than a privilege most grownups, let alone, most five year olds would be happy to partake of. Robbie happily ran off to the kitchen.

"Hi Emily." Martha smiled when he'd left. "So what's this news?"

Emily simply extended her ring finger as they went and sat in the living room.

"It's beautiful."

"It's from Howard."

"You accepted." Martha had seen this coming.

"Yeah I….I'm sorry."

"Oh Emily don't feel bad. Howard's wonderful. I love him. I don't understand why Ellen didn't marry him…but the two of you deserve to be happy: you've been together for a long time."

"We just now started realizing that…but I have a burden he doesn't…Bob. He's tugging on my heart a whole lot."

"Emily it's evident how much you love my son! That's what made that little boy in the first place. I think we can all see that in him…and it's beautiful. And I'm greatful to you: so much for it. I get to see my own little boy in yours almost every single day." Martha said, she was crying. That was what got her through.

"I ache to be with him sometimes. If…in the early days, just after Bob died….if I hadn't been having Robbie… I don't think I'd be here now. And now, I'm happy finally that I'm alive and..."

"Emily. I know you love Howard. I can see that too."

Emily smiled. Sometimes she wasn't sure of this.

"I do." She said. "I just…oh I don't know. I guess I have to, to confess that I wish it were Bob all over again. And I know that's so wrong."

"It is, but I understand it." She said. "You're making the right decision Emily. Move on. Just go with it. Go with it and don't look back."

…..

"Good night sweetheart. Mommy loves you." She said, whispering to Robbie has she ran her fingers through his hair. His eyes were shut sweetly and he was in the process of falling asleep. The music box was playing gently on the nightstand, faithfully humming _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star_ as it always did.

"Ni, Mama." He mumbled, overcome with a simple little yawn as he said this. He rolled over on his side and fell asleep.

"Night my precious one." She kissed him again. Emily gazed at her tiny son for a few moments, just appreciating everything he was, and was about to get up to leave the room when she heard a voice.

"He's beautiful Emily….you've done an incredible job and I'm so proud of you." Emily was startled and her eyes grew wide.

"Bob!" She was excited and scared to death when she turned around to face him. "But you're…."

"I am. I am dead."

"Oh Bob have you seen our baby, he looks just like you."

"No he doesn't." Bob laughed. "He looks just like us. He's wonderful. And everything I ever wanted in a son." He observed, wrapping his arm around Emily and leaning down to look at their sleeping son. Emily sighed: it was so nice to have him hold her close.

"If you're here you know uh…visiting from death…I should wake him up. He'd love to see you. He'd love to see you more than anything in the whole world I think."

"No Emily. Now's not the time. He's sleeping, he'd be scared and confused. He'll see me one day, and besides: you're the only one who can see me. I'm appearing to you."

"Oh: one of those."

"Yeah. O-one of those."

"You stutter, you are you!" She giggled.

"Emily I want to tell you, you are a stellar Mother, you're amazing. Raising him alone and everything."

"Well, not totally alone. There's your mother, and…and Howard."

"Oh yeah, Howard." He said, taking her hand and looking at the big diamond the co-pilot had given her. "It's-it's a big one." He laughed somewhat nervously. It was far bigger than anything Bob had given her. She reached out and stroked his cheek. She could feel real flesh and knew, with one simple touch that it was absolutely him.

"I ache for you." She could barely hold back from crying. "Do you for me?"

"No. Where I am it's not like that. I already know I don't need to long for you. I'll have you again." He promised. She began to cry. "But let me do something I've always wanted to do, regardless." He said. He bent down and looked into Robbie's face. He studied the sleeping boy and simply smiled, running his fingers through his dark brown hair just as his mother had. "Emily look at this hair, are you really going to tell me that there's not a substantial amount of you in him?" She giggled through her tears. "Oh my little guy. I love you. I promise no one will ever love you quite like I do. Even your Mom will never be as elated that she was blessed with you, as I was. You're my wish come true." He said giving the little boy a simple kiss on the cheek and re-tucking him into bed. Robbie's eyes fluttered momentarily, or seemed to. "Good night my Robbie. Daddy loves you very much."

"Ni Daddy." Robbie mumbled. He couldn't hold on and feel back to sleep as soon as he woke.

"I thought you said he couldn't see you?"

"I guess I was wrong." He kissed the boy once more. "You're an extraordinary woman Emily. I'm blessed to have been married to you. You're on the right track you know: it's okay. Go on: be happy. Be loved in a way I can't love you anymore…"

"Please don't leave me again." She said, she was sobbing.

He was somewhat frustrated as he maybe been if he were still alive and sighed.

"Emily. It's time. You have my blessing: marry him. He's an idiot but he's a good man. He loves our son and he loves you…and me." He smiled. "He's perfect. Go on. Be his wife, have his babies, travel the world with him…whatever. You have my blessing. And besides. Where I am….I'm in bliss and you know what else? I'm already with you again."

"Oh!" She gushed, continuing to cry.

"Don't' cry for me. We'll always be together…and our love lives on in him. Now there's something that gets more beautiful as time goes on." He reflected. He'd seen their grandchildren after all, and she was still living in a world where their son was, himself, very small. "Good bye Emily. Be happy, and I love you always." He kissed her cheek.

"I love you too." She said, sobbing as she tried to kiss him. Her lips brushed the thin air and as quickly as he came: he was gone.

Seconds later, Emily awoke, she'd fallen asleep, leaning against Robbie's bed….had it been real, or a dream? 'In what dream did you ever touch real skin?' She wondered.

Emily turned when she heard her front door begin to unlock and open. She rushed out into the living room and began to cry as soon as she saw Howard. Her tears poured down her cheeks in a mixture of deep sorrow and relief. Part of her, she thought, hoped that like before, she would turn around and Bob would be there. But the other part agonized to be in this man's arms also.

"Emily what's wrong!" He burst.

"Nothing, just hold me!" She didn't want to tell him that Bob had been there and risk alienating him.

"Emily, what is it?" He pressed as he wrapped her in a gentle but comforting embrace. He felt it was important for him to know if something was wrong. "Are you okay? Is Robbie okay!?"

"Just hold me damn it Howard." She sobbed into his shoulder. He would've been upset by this if he couldn't feel her hands clawing into him, seeming to hold on for dear life. It was like she was scared to death…or had seen a ghost or something…

Howard said nothing and just held his fiancé as her sobbing slowly stopped.

"Are you okay?" He finally asked again. She nodded as she sniffled.

"Yeah." She said. "I'll be fine. I'm glad you're home."

"Me too." He smiled. "So, what do you wanna do this weekend, you know, after Thanksgiving I've got a few days off I figured maybe we could take Robbie and go sk…"

"Lets get married." She offered. He was surprised.

"M-married! This weekend?"

"What's the matter you want me don't you?"

"Of course I want you Emily…I just figured you'd want to plan something."

"We can plan something. Something small, family and close friends, an intimate, and beautiful a quiet little chapel wedding on Saturday December 3rd."

"That sounds beautiful Emily."

"I think so too." She said, kissing him softly.

Emily didn't really know what was happening in her mind. It was like she was loosing it. She'd longed for Bob anyway…but to have him show up and tell her to let go, that they'd be together again. His visit brought a sense of great relief and pain to her heart. She felt loved in an almost eternal sense but forgotten for the moment. It made her happy that she was okay with moving on…but she was hurt he'd let her go.

Emily did not think she was dreaming or that she was crazy…this was one of those supernatural things for sure and it had driven her into Howard's arms…but was it out of love for him, deep need to be loved or defiance? She thought maybe it was all three of those things. Either way, everyone was right, it was time for her to move on and it was with the right person.

"Come on Howard." She said, taking his hand and beginning to walk away from the couch.

"Where are we going?" He asked. Emily thought it was funny that he was clueless about her rather pointed intentions, given that there was nothing toward the trajectory she was leading him, save her bedroom door.

"To bed Howard."

"Oh!" He exclaimed.

"Yes Howard."

"Well that's a good idea." He said, following her into the room, "I'm pretty tired."

"Too bad."


	16. Howard Borden Plays Matchmaker

Chapter 16- Howard Borden Plays Matchmaker

"Mommy, who was that man in my room with you the other night?" Robbie asked suddenly.

Emily'd been sitting at the desk looking over some paperwork, trying to get some things out of the way before the wedding…which would be tomorrow! Robbie, until now, had been playing quietly in the corner. She was floored that he asked this question. She was under the impression he'd been fast asleep when Bob had visited her.

"It wasn't Uncle Howard…I mean Dad…" he continued, "but there was something…."

"Familiar about him?" Emily questioned.

"Uh huh. And I think he said Daddy loves you. And my eyes wouldn't stay open to see him: even though I tried real hard. But I think he looked like my Daddy….my real Daddy. A whole lot! And he kissed me." Robbie knew the notion was crazy, but couldn't shake the idea that his Daddy had come to visit him.

"That's because Daddy appeared to Mommy the other night. And to you too."

"I believe you." He said. He knew what he sort of saw and understood, even before asking, that it was something not to be believed. "Did you get to talk to him?"

"Yeah angel. Mommy did." She said, lifting him onto her lap.

"What did he say?" Robbie studied her face carefully as he scratched his cheek.

"That he approved of me marrying Howard. That he loves you very much."

"And he kissed me."

"That's right he kissed you. And then he told me how much he loved me…and how our love continues even though he's gone."

"How?"

"In you."

"Oh!" In that instant Robbie began to truly understand why he was so special to his mother.

"Are you sure that you're, really okay with Mommy getting married?" Emily had been thinking about this herself for the past day and was just beginning to realize how ready she really was to do this.

"Well….I love Uncle Howard and I want you to marry him cause I want to spend more time with him…but part of me just wants to have it be you and me."

"I know. Mommy too. But I promise there will still be a lot of that: time that's just you and me." She smiled when Robbie hugged her tightly, but still scratched his arm. "I think that our being with Uncle Howard…I think it'll be really good for us...honey do you itch?" She asked, studying his cheek carefully.

"A little."

"Well, it's December, you didn't get bit by anything?"

He shook his head no.

"You didn't eat strawberries again, did you?" He shook his head no a second time. Robbie was highly allergic to strawberries.

"Uh-uh. I feel fine. It just itches."

"Well okay. It's bedtime then." Emily said nervously. She felt like maybe something wasn't right with him.

"Awe do I have to!" He protested as she picked him up.

"Yes you do!" She giggled, getting up and walking him to his room.

Emily was nervous-excited about tomorrow and needed the time alone before her wedding to think and try to relax. She was confident that she was making the right decision, but she was still a little uneasy about this whole thing, like anyone about to get married would be.

"Mommy?" Robbie asked as she tucked him in and was about to turn off the light.

"Yes sweetheart."

"Do you still love my Daddy?" He asked. Emily was caught off guard for a moment. She smiled.

"Oh honey I'll always love your Daddy."

"Until you see him again?" He asked. That was a poignant point for such a little boy to make. She paused.

"No. Forever and ever. Good night sweet love, it's time for bed." She whispered, kissing her son and turning out the light.

Emily walked out into the living room by herself, wondering, again, if she was making the right decision about all of this. Emily collapsed on the couch, twisting her engagement ring on her finger. How, exactly, did she feel about Howard? Did she love him for him….or for all the things he'd done for her? Emily smiled, suddenly thinking there weren't a lot of people who made her smile or laugh the way Howard could. That was a good thought and she knew it counted for a lot.

Emily then wondered about how she and Robbie were going to adjust to all the changes they were all going to have to make, like to Howard living with them day and night. She knew things were going to change a whole lot and the concept made her nervous. How was Robbie was really going to handle all of it? Would he handle it as well as he thought he would? She wondered if he conceptually grasped this in the way he insisted he did.

"Mommy?" Emily jumped when she heard him say this.

"Robbie you scared me!"

"I'm sorry Mommy."

"It's alright sweetheart, what's up?" She asked, sitting him on her lap again. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Well that's very sweet, what was that for?"

"Does this mean that after tomorrow, you won't be mine to take care of anymore?" He wanted clarification on this. Moreover, he wanted to think that he was taking care of his Mom.

"Oh honey! Mommy was never yours to take care of. But you'll always be mine to take care of." Robbie smiled and hugged her, seeming relieved by at least part of this. She kissed his cheek.

"Mommy are you sure it's not my job to take care of you?" He asked. Robbie had sensed, from his earliest memories that was caring for her. What it really was, was that he comforted her deeply and made her happy.

"Yes. I'm the Mommy and you're the kid that's not the way it works. Why would you think that?"

"Daddy not being here...I guess." He didn't really know. "And I wanna be the one to care for you Mom I love you." Emily smiled at this.

"You make me happy Robbie." She smiled. "That's your job. Grow up nicely. And you're partially right. After tomorrow, I'll be Uncle Howard's to take care of," Emily paused, supposing she really had been any way. She smiled. That's what made them perfect. She and Howard had been caring for each other for years, even before Bob's death. It was then that all doubts about marrying Howard left her and she was at total peace about it. "Which reminds me, we have a lot to talk about Robbie."

"We do?"

"Yeah, big changes sweetie. But first, if you really wanna be the one to take care of Mommy, I'll make a deal with you."

"Okay." Robbie decided to listen carefully.

"You let me be the Mommy and you be the little boy and one day a long time from now, when I'm old and you're a grown up, then I hope you'll still want to take care of Mommy."

"And Dad too?" He asked of Howard.

"And Dad too. Speaking of which, Robbie…"

"Uh huh?"

"You do realize…" She paused. "You do realize that he'll be making all the rules around here too, right?"

"Right." That was already normal.

"And he'll be here all the time when he's around. Not next door, not coming over in a minute."

"Uh-huh." Robbie smiled. "That means I get to keep him! Do you think he'll camp in the living room with me?" He asked, continuing to scratch his arm.

"You'll have to ask him that. But usually, he'll sleep where Mommy does."

"Why?" He asked, Emily froze.

"B-because that's what married people do…that means that you won't be able to come in all the time anymore." Emily confessed, wanting to brush past this subject quickly. "And…Robbie, do you realize that by the time you go to bed tomorrow night you'll have a Dad." She was overwhelmed by this and wanted to cry, something that he didn't realize.

"Yeah," he remarked, "and a big brother too!"

Emily was taken aback for a moment. She kept forgetting that she was inheriting a stepson, partially because he was so much older than her own son, and had a mother of his own.

….

Howard had decided against having a huge bachelor party, despite Jerry's insistence that one take place. Instead, he went out drinking with a few friends. It would be a very tame night compared to many others he'd had in his past. Unlike before, he was ready for that. It had been the lamest night of Jerry's life, but Howard had had a pleasant, fulfilling evening and still sat at the bar watching the rebroadcast of a game long after his friends had departed.

He found it kind of disquieting that he used to sit at this bar with Bob and Ellen. He loved Emily but it was weird to think that he was marrying his best friend's girl….Howard felt like he needed to talk to Bob about this and at least let him know that he was going to do the best he could, as he'd been doing over the last nearly six years, to fill his shoes and do whatever he could not only to be a good father to Robbie, but to take care of Emily and be as loving of a husband as Bob was. Those were some shoes to fill.

And then there was Ellen. His girl. He couldn't deny that he still loved her. Maybe, if Bob were alive, and things were different they would've found their way together. But Ellen had made it clear that she didn't want to settle down and didn't need him. Kind of like Lois didn't need him. And Emily needed him so desperately. He wanted to be needed.

The truth was he loved both women and he wondered if there was some universe where both could be his. He missed Ellen's company and her smile. He still loved her smile and had to grin, just thinking of it. She thrilled him…but Emily and her love fulfilled him. She had made him feel worth something again and that met everything to him.

"I'll take a scotch, on the rocks." Howard looked over when he heard a gut-wrenchingly familiar voice order up her favorite drink.

"Ellen!" He burst.

"H-Howard!" She was surprised at first, to see him then smiled sadly. "Howard." She mumbled more quietly this time. "How've you been? I mean, with you getting married in the morning and all." She let go that she already knew.

"I'm wonderful…how are you?"

Ellen paused and swallowed the only words that would come to mind: missing you.

"Do you love her?" She asked.

"Very much, yeah. She wants to marry me Ellen." He said, gently reminding her that she hadn't. It had crushed him. He thought it always would. The very thought of her brought on a biting sense of regret.

"I know she does…only an idiot wouldn't want to marry you."

"You're not an idiot."

"Oh yes I am Howard." She sniffled.

"Hey, hey don't cry." He leaned over and wiped the tears away from her cheeks. It bothered him that he still felt tingly all over when he touched her.

"I'm not crying." She lied. She wished he wouldn't touch her, at the same time, she knew this would be the last time and relished his running his thumbs gently across her cheek bones.

"Yes you are."

"Howard just…it's okay. Just go. Give my congratulations to Emily, please. And kiss my brother's little boy for me. I'd love to see him."

"Ellen I…I don't want to leave you like this."

"Please go." She begged. "I'll be alright."

She turned away, but Howard grabbed her face with his hands. This action made her want to sob. She used to love when he'd hold her face in his hands.

"You're a wonderful woman." He began. 'Oh great,' she thought. 'The tell-off speech.' "And I'll love you for the rest of my life. Understand?" He knew he wouldn't be at peace unless he confessed this and he wanted to cry like she was crying.

"Emily will be my wife. I will love her, and be faithful to her for the rest of my life." She had to wonder why he was telling her this. "She can give me something you can't you know. She appreciates me. She needs me. We've been raising a son together."

"I know."

"And all of that will never change the fact that I love you too. And I hope that one day, you will find happiness…I know you will, which is why you're going out with my friend Tommy on Thursday."

"Oh Howard I don't…."

"And on Saturday, Mike."

"But Howard…"

"And if you don't like Mike there's always Jack!"

She sighed, wanting only to say: Howard, I just want you. Forever and ever.

"And what about George, he's Lebanese, I think he looks like Danny Thomas!"

Ellen laughed at this. Something had to make her laugh through her tears.

"Alright Howard. I'll go."


	17. Something old, something new

Chapter 17- Something old, something new, something borrowed and…big red splotches

"Oh Bob." Emily began, drying a tear from her cheek. She sat in bed and hugged Bob's diary tightly. She had something important to say to her husband.

"It's all ready, it's all going to happen tomorrow." She sniffled and laughed at the same time. "Tomorrow I'm going to marry Howard…I won't be yours anymore. Bob. I wanted to be yours forever and in some way I promise I always will be….here I am, the night before I'm supposed to marry someone else, making a commitment to you again…I don't think I'll ever be over the fact that someone else shattered the commitment we made to each other. One we would've kept till we grew old together and withered away. I really don't. Which is why I want you to be part of this.

I've got a something borrowed, a something new, a something blue…but I was wondering…is it alright with you if your diary can be my something old…I know it's a little unconventional, but it means a lot. I'm still your wife. I still love you and even though I'm moving on I'm not letting go." Emily sighed, feeling good that she'd gotten that out. She kissed the diary and rolled over in bed, holding it close to her heart as she fell asleep.

….

Little Robbie Hartley had never been so overwhelmed before that day. It was a small wedding by most people's standards. There couldn't have been more than 35 people in attendance, but to a little boy who had never been to a big party before it looked like a whole lot more than that. In the hours before the wedding, Robbie had not been sure whose room to be in, Howard's or his mother's.

In some ways, he felt more comfortable being in Howard's. He understood the things that were going on there better, even though he wasn't being included in much of the conversation. And he'd gotten some help: his new big brother, Howie, had put his tuxedo tie on him when he hadn't been able to even grasp the concept of tying it. That made him smile: he liked the idea of having a brother.

On the other hand, he would've rather been with his Mom. But being in her room had presented some special challenges. Things kept being mentioned that for some reason necessitated his ears being covered and it was irritating him tremendously. And when it came time for his mother to change, Grandma Aggie stuck him in a corner and told him to face the wall.

In truth, all he really wanted was to have a word alone with his mother before the wedding. The boy was immensely frustrated to not be able to get a word in edgewise anywhere he went. For the first time in his short almost six years of life he left like he wasn't even there! And on top of it all off he itched! All over the place in a way he'd never, ever experienced before and it was beginning to hurt. He wanted to ask if he could go find Grandma Martha when someone knocked on the door.

"Done." He heard Grandma Aggie say of the dress and she went to open the door. Robbie turned around, glad that he didn't have to face the corner any longer.

"Emily, I'm just dropping by to remind you that you have five minutes." Jerry said. "And Carol. Come on maid of honor is needed now."

"Wow I can't believe it's time. Ooh good luck Emily, this is so exciting."

"Thanks Carol." Emily smiled.

"Robbie, are you coming?" Jerry asked.

"No-uh Jerry I'm going to talk to him for a minute, and then I'll send him out."

"Okay Emily."

"Do I need to give you the talk Emily?" Aggie joked quietly once Jerry and Carol had left. This confused Robbie greatly.

"No Mom." Emily laughed. "I think uh-I think that I got that."

"I'm just kidding you sweetheart." She said. Emily was ignoring her mother and staring at her son. There was another knock at the door. "Oh that must be your Father…"

"Mom. Can uh- can you wait in the hall with Daddy for a minute?" She asked. "I wanna talk to Robbie."

"Oh, sure Emily."

"Hi." She smiled; glad to finally be alone with her son.

She wanted to spend her last moments, before her marriage, with him. Robbie had been right, in a sense, he was the one giving her away. Not because he was surrendering her for himself, as his mother, but because in a weird way, he was giving her up on behalf of his father.

"You look really pretty Mommy." He had never seen a dress quite like the one she was wearing. It was off-white, with an undertone of barely distinguishable pearly pink.

"Thank you my sweetheart." She smiled. "Come here, give Mommy a hug."

Robbie ran into his mother's arms and gave her a hug, careful not to crush the dress. He didn't realize her hug would be painful for him and caused the parts of his back that itched to just plain hurt but he said nothing.

"Robbie are you sure you're okay with this?" She wanted to make sure. He nodded and she smiled. "I just wanted to thank you for being Mommy's everything for so long. I love you more than anything and I loved your father and I promise nothing's ever going to change that."

"I know Mommy." He said. She was surprised when he did the very grown up thing of kissing her cheek. She smiled. "I think Daddy would want us to be happy."

"Thank you Robbie." She finished, there were tears in her eyes. She needed to hear that more than she cared to admit, even to herself. Emily was beginning to realize that she couldn't let go of her love for Bob even if she did love Howard too. "You and me and Howard are going to have a really happy life together."

….

If Robbie learned one thing that day it was that he wasn't really into weddings. They were obviously something that women liked…orchestrated even. Robbie hated that he had to sit there so quietly, that he had to pay perfect attention and that the whole ceremony ended with him having to watch his parents kiss…were they trying to punish him? If you asked him, he was already being punished enough. He was in pain, he was beginning to feel sick and worse…this suit really itched.

After the wedding he accompanied his Mother's parents to the reception. Robbie was uncomfortable around the Harrisons, not knowing that his father had felt exactly the same around them. He didn't dislike Aggie and Junior, but had this profound feeling that he was nothing like them. Their boisterousness made him feel like he was suffocating.

"Are you okay Robbie boy?" Junior asked, patting his grandson a little too hard on the back. Robbie jumped and flinched but Junior didn't notice this. He was instead concerned that the boy, who sat next to him at their table, seemed upset about something.

"Uh…yeah." Robbie said, he was trying hard not to cry now. If he thought his back had hurt before…"I'm going to go find my Mommy." He finished quickly and ran off in the direction he'd last seen his mother, not giving his grandfather a chance to protest.

"Mommy, Mommy…" Robbie mumbled, tears were beginning to form in his eyes by the time he found her on the other side of the reception hall. He couldn't help it. Emily could tell that he was beginning to cry.

"Robbie, Robbie what…oh honey!" Emily exclaimed. She'd just bent down on her knees to see her son when she realized something was very wrong. "Howard. Howard!" She had to call twice to get him to excuse himself from some people he was talking to.

"What Emily, what's wrong?"

"Howard. Look at him I think he's coming down with something!"

"Oh." He said, taking note of how the boy was scratching his face and arms. "Howard." She said quietly. "Have you ever had the chicken pox?"

"Well yeah, of course I've had the chicken pox, Emily!" He replied loudly.

"Shu!" She said. She didn't want their guests to all know about this. "Good. Look at Robbie."

"Emily…you think he has the chicken pox!"

"Mama why do I feel so yuck?" He whined, beginning to rub his eyes as they'd started to itch too.

"Here honey let Dad see you, come here." Robbie wanted his Mom above all else but didn't protest when Howard picked him up. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his neck and held on tight, realizing that Howard's arms were a good place to rest. "Emily, quick, look at his back, what do you see?" He asked, lifting the back of the boy's jacket and shirt slightly.

"Red splotches." She frowned. She knew they'd soon dot his little arms and face.

"Mommy I'm really hot…" Robbie complained.

"Oh sweetheart, I promise it's going to be okay."

"Howard um…I think we better expedite our exit. I'll get Martha."

"Wait a minute. You're still thinking of having him go home with Martha! At a time like this!"

"Howard it is our wedding night. And we were supposed to leave in the morning. I figured you…."

"No!" He said, cradling Robbie's head protectively. Emily smiled and kissed her new husband.

"You see, this is why I married you and not some jerk." She giggled. Emily excused herself in order to go get the bouquet toss initiated so that they could leave.

"Yeah!" Howard was proud of this. "What do you think? Wanna go home with me and Mommy?" Howard asked, Robbie simply nodded as he began to whimper. "Hey it's okay, its okay." He pat Robbie's back.

"Ouch! Dad!"

"Oh…" Howard realized about the chicken pox on his back. "I'm sorry Robbie."

"It's okay Dadda." Robbie moaned, resting his head back on his new father's shoulder. Howard smiled and kissed the boy very gently, happy to have been called Dadda.

….

"This is embarrassing." Emily sighed.

"What is?" Howard asked, picking up some things off the couch, including Robbie's teddy bear.

It was later on that evening and they were cleaning up around the house. Robbie was in bed and to Emily it almost seemed as if it were any other night, certainly not her wedding night….certainly not the first night Howard was living with them.

"The fact that there's going to be a chicken pox outbreak in the kindergarten and it's my fault and I'm the vice principal that's what." That wasn't all that was bothering her.

"That's really funny Emily." Howard admitted but tried not to laugh.

"And besides that look at my poor baby!"

Emily was distraught over Robbie's condition. They'd rushed away from their own wedding reception just in time for the boy's chicken pox to become really obvious. By the time they got home it had started to dot his arms and face. Thankfully, they'd gotten him to sleep and tucked into bed before he'd begun to suffer too much. Emily hoped that he'd sleep peacefully and that perhaps she and Howard would still be able to salvage some of their wedding night to spend alone together. In addition to being upset over her son, she really felt like she was letting Howard down.

"Mommy! Dad! Mommy! Daaaaaaad!" Robbie yelled.

"Oh! Honey!" Emily cried, putting down the towel she'd been holding and rushing into the little boy's room. Howard followed closely behind her.

"Hey what's wrong little guy?" Howard asked.

"Sweetheart, you're going to be okay." Emily promised. Robbie was crying yet again and she sat on the edge of his bed, taking him in her arms. "Oh honey you're burning up!" She exclaimed as she began to rock her son in her arms.

"Hey Robbie how you feeling?" Howard asked.

"Awful!" Robbie burst, reaching up to scratch his face but his mother interceded and grabbed his hand.

"Honey stop. It'll make it worse." Emily demanded.

"Emily. Here, I'll take him….you get the oven mitts." Howard advised, picking Robbie up. Emily had hoped they wouldn't need the oven mitts quite this soon.

As much as he hurt, Robbie liked being held when he felt this bad. He lye his head on Howard's shoulder and allowed himself to be taken in to his mother's bedroom, which was now his parent's bedroom.

"There you go little guy, a nice big bed." Howard said, tucking the boy in the center of the king-sized bed.

"Mommy what are those for?" Robbie asked. The little boy was apprehensive of the huge oven mitts his mother had grabbed in the kitchen. She'd also brought Tylenol, which he hated, juice and tape…he couldn't figure out what the tape was for.

"They're to keep you from scratching yourself sweetheart." She said as sat on the bed beside him.

Howard sat on the other side and now Robbie felt boxed in, like he couldn't possibly get away if his life depended on it. He was outnumbered: he couldn't scratch himself and he knew he'd have to take his medicine. Robbie considered standing up and trying to runaway but felt too tired. Instead, he reached up to scratch his face again in defiance; didn't they understand that the itching hurt?

"Robbie I said no!" He was surprised when each of his parents grabbed one of his arms and put a mitt on his hand. He tried to resist and pull his arms away to no avail.

"Please Mommy let me scratch!" He whined. He wanted to scratch his face in the worst way.

"No Robbie you can't scratch cause what'll happen," Howard explained, "is that instead of getting better, you'll get big scars where the spots used to be."

"I will?!" Robbie was horrified. He wasn't sure if this news or not being able to scratch pained him more.

"You will." Emily said, beginning to wrap masking tape around the mitts so he couldn't possibly get them off.

Robbie didn't know what to do and so he simply began crying again. Howard and Emily spent the next two hours trying to get Robbie calm and when he finally fell asleep in between them, they were both exhausted.

"Howard."

"Hum?" He asked, they were lying there in the dimly lit room with Robbie snoring in between them.

"Honey I'm so sorry we're spending our wedding night like this."

"Emily it's alright. He's sick. He needs us." Howard surprised her, he reached over and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly and they turned slightly to face each other.

"I wish." She began, playing with his fingers. "That I would've kept kissing you that night when Robbie was a baby and he called you Dadda. My little boy was right then, and I wasn't listening to him and to my own feelings." Howard smiled at this.

"That's okay Emily. We're married right now, and that's all that counts. I love you." He said again. They'd managed to inch closer together, despite Robbie being right between them. She smiled and kissed him gently, caressing his face in her hands.

"I love you too." She whispered. "And I'm so glad you're here with us."

Emily and Howard fell asleep soon after this, having spent their wedding night in bed with a kindergartner covered in chicken pox in between them.


End file.
